It's true. I am officially one of those few teenage girls still dating the same guy she was with in high school. I'm eighteen years old and embarking on the twenty-seventh month of my relationship. Awesome huh? I think one of the best signs is that I still have butterflies to this day. And in those twenty-seven months I've figured out a lot of things. The next eight tips would've saved me infinite amounts of grief, thankfully, my awesome BF has stuck by me every step of the way. Most of it started because I didn't obey this one major rule:
1. Don't be a Drama Queen--Stay Realistic
I admit it. I'm a drama queen. I've tried to deny it for years but there comes a time in a girl's life when you just gotta embrace the tiara...
Most relational drama is a result of one or both people turning a mole-hill into a mountain range. Before you decide that something is a crisis, ask yourself, "Is the potential conflict essential to the development of my relationship?" The fact that he isn't as physically affectionate as you would like could be a sign that he isn't emotionally invested. But it is more likely a sign that you need to tell him you'd like to be held more often. There are often very simple solutions to what can appear to be major relational problems. You are more likely to get to them faster if you...
2. Speak Directly
Don't tackle the issue of affection by asking your boyfriend if he loves you. Don't quiz him on his level of emotional investment. Instead of dissecting what his actions could mean, tell him what you want from him. Be honest about how you feel. Simply saying, "I wish you would hold me more" puts you in a vulnerable position, but it eliminates guesswork (which you will both likely fail at--creating an unnecessary web of false understandings, thus prolonging the drama). Vulnerability also helps foster trust; it's only by opening up yourself that you can discover how trustworthy and safe he really is.
3. Accept Him
If it turns out he isn't ready to hold you after two weeks, or doesn't like kissing in public, get over it. Decide if public affection if more important to you than the relationship built thus far. If it is, move on; if not, respect his feelings and talk candidly with him about your values, needs, and boundaries. Either way, accept him. If you leave him, don't demonize him because he wasn't who you wanted him to be. If you stay with him, don't try to manipulate him into becoming who he is not. Understand that you are dating an individual, one of thousands whom you could possibly end up with. If he works out, amazing. If not, there are many other horses in the barn, don't waste your time trying to re-brake this one.
4. Don't Settle--Demand the Best
Just as you must accept him, you deserve someone who accepts you. In the words of Mac MacGruff from the utterly lovable 2007 movie Juno, "the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass." So don't settle for less. It's not reasonable to desire worship, but it is reasonable to desire someone who sees you for the awesome person that you are.
5. Filter the Voices
When you're in a relationship everyone with less interesting lives than you wants a piece of the action. I'm only 18 and I've been told everything from, "Don't forget to explore your options" to "Two years means it's time to sound the wedding bells!" Needless to say, none of this advice was particularly helpful. It took awhile, but I eventually realized I didn't need that many voices in my ear. Now my parents, my sisters, and a couple of select friends are the only people I allow to influence my relational decisions. By cutting down on the people I listened to I learned to trust myself, which incidentally, was one of the best decisions I made.
6. Be Specific and Follow Through
Don't tell him " I need a break," he might think you're just letting him down softly. If you want to break up with him, tell him you want to end the relationship and leave it at that. But if what you genuinely need is just a temporary break, try saying, "We've been spending a lot of time with each other lately, I need some me time/girl time/a syringe of estrogen...could we spend the next couple weeks reconnecting with friends?" Or better yet, if you only need a few days, schedule a weekend with the girls and don't tell him anything.
If you need a little more time than a Thursday-Sunday can provide, tell him directly that you need a few days to yourself, set a specific time, and keep to that. Don't tell him you need two weeks and call him two days later, and don't tell him you need a weekend and avoid him for two weeks. Follow through with your promises so that both of you are operating on the same program. Ask the same of him.
7. Learn to Argue: Starting with Calmness
When you're arguing, don't dwell on the ramifications of every statement or allow your emotions to carry you away from your reason. Find your calm and attack the issue from that standpoint. Note that I said, "attack the issue," not each other. Personal attacks and button pushing are especially frustrating because they can't be quantified, and thus leave the door open for feigned innocence, but that won't get you anywhere.
Instead, take as much time as you need to approach the issue like a mature adult, and tell him how you feel. Use "I" statements--they force you to examine your feelings in order to communicate, and thus help you get to the root of the problem faster. "I" statements also help you avoid blaming one another. Emotions are bound to heighten in the midst of an argument, but that doesn't mean you can't still return to what's important: the relationship.
8. Know Yourself
Know what you want, what you need, and what you absolutely can't tolerate. Know what you love, and what absolutely turns you off. Know what is necessary for you in a relationship, and what you can live without. And don't be afraid to revise.
Before I met my boyfriend I knew exactly what I wanted. I wanted to be with the kind of guy who was smooth and classic. The kind of guy who always knew what to say and how to say it, who emanated confidence at all times and had that inexplicable sex appeal--flashable with a mere smile. I knew I was asking a lot, but I also knew he existed. I'd met guys like that before, they had just never liked me back. But when I met my boyfriend, he was a quiet, quirky, sweetly awkward track teammate, who was too nervous to ask me to our high school banquet in person, but instead employed the help of adorable stuffed creatures bearing gifts and poetry. It was perfect.
Before I met my boyfriend I also knew I needed someone who respected me, who cared about people, who could appreciate my various social and political passions, and would accept me in all my quirks and flaws. I tried to pull away multiple times because of my fear that he would not meet the last criterion. But he did, perfectly. It takes time, but it's worth it to put the effort in and get to know yourself--the things you need, and things you don't. And don't be afraid to revise.
You can't build a perfect relationship on tips, but time can teach you a lot of simple, useful things. And hopefully, by reading this you can have a few less headaches than I did.
