Do not misunderstand me. I do not think women are fragile little things who must be sheltered from the world and take cover at first opportunity. Far from it, women are strong and independent creatures. But sometimes I think this independence is rooted in fear that there is no one to depend on. If we are able to sunder the concept of security from our stereotypical images of barefoot, kitchen dwelling 1940s femmes, we'll admit that we do want it, though it comes in many different forms depending on the girl. The most universal interpretation of the word would be understanding and acceptance. Complete the picture with wealth if you must, but this is the basis of security; freedom--not from poverty or wanting, but from judgment and misunderstanding.
When we think we've found that, whether it be in the form of a leather clad bad-boy, a vest wearing trust-fund prep, a be-grunged musician with a collection of beat up guitars, or anything inbetween, we hold on. Tight. We think, "I'll never find another guy like this. Sure he's got flaws but he loves me so well...I can't afford to let him go." It's at this point that I think a piece of us stops growing. We stop developing our confidence and individuality as we focus more and more on the "us" and less and less on the "me." We bite and claw to keep things together (because let's admit it, at some point, it's no longer effortless--and it shouldn't be). We treat it like a marriage in that we'll do almost anything, and put up with any number of mistreatments because "I'll never find another one who loves me like he does."
Again, don't misunderstand me. People are flawed. There is a level of sacrifice and forgiveness that is necessary in a relationship. But there is a desperation in the degree to which we of the female race turn a blind eye, not only to our partner's flaws, but to ourselves. To our changes. To our growth. To our failures. To our needs. To the selves we are becoming.
Our blindness is often based not on a fear of being alone. I reject that old cliche. While being alone can be very lonely, it can also be extremely liberating. I think that the real fear is that no one else will accept us. That we will never be fully understood. That we are not truly deserving of the kind of love we all dream of.
"But Jaclyn," I can hear you objecting, "It's not that I don't think I deserve love, I'm just realistic. There are fairy-tales, and then there is reality. That kind of love does not exist in reality." To this I say, Poppycock! If you really believed you deserved the love of fantasies you would fight tooth and nail to get it. (Note that when I say love I mean love--not passion, indulgence, or the quasi-subservience of a spoiling butler-with-benefits--which some deranged girls expect their boyfriends to emulate.) Ever hear someone talking about their rights? They rail on and on about how the Constitution says this or that, and how they refuse to stand for the injustice dealt them. Or what about when you receive bad costumer service at a store? Do you just go along with it? Accepting the treatment with bow-necked docility? After all there are only so many stores in this town, and they each only have so many assistants. So what if Ms. Hi-my-name-is-Penny talks on the phone with menswear while I'm waiting at the counter to be rung up? Or snaps at me rudely when I ask for a my receipt?
No one with self respect stands for this! Why? Because we deserve to be treated well when we patronize a store. And guess what? We deserve to be loved as well. It may not be any one person's obligation to love us as we need, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't get that love somewhere. It's a lovely little paradox. It's no one's job to do it, but someone should. So when someone does, when someone loves us the way we need to be loved, it's a gift. A gift we have to search for, but that's totally worth finding. We can't find it if we don't look, and that might mean giving up current security. We have to trust our gut; let ourselves grow. We may not end up with Prince Charming, but we don't necessarily have to. As much as we all deserve love, we also deserve to become the best individuals we know how to be; that is one of the best gifts we can give ourselves.
