"But I paid for dinner so..." Part 2

It's unfortunate to see a girl giving away a lot of herself to a guy in the mere hope that he'll give her a second glance, and maybe a first date. But do you know what's equally unfortunate? When a girl allows herself to be guilted into giving away favors after the date. I heard about a girl once who was pressured into her first kiss by a guy who thought she owed it to him after the fifteen dollar plate he bought her. When she resisted he said something like, "But I paid for dinner so... you owe me." Timid girl that she was, she gave in. I heard of another girl who nearly got raped because a guy who had taken her out for around nine months felt he had the right to sleep with her. His rationale was that he had paid for all the dinners, movies, and shows they went to. After nine months of shelling out bucks from his own wallet he felt he deserved a little somethin'. And when she wasn't willing to give it, he decided to take it. He was unsuccessful, but unfortunately this is not an isolated case. Some girls now demand to go dutch for every date they go on with a new prospect. Other girls refuse to accept gifts from any guy, boyfriend or otherwise, for fear of the unspoken cost.

This is unfortunate. No girl should have to be afraid of accepting chivalry from a guy because of what he might require of her. No girl should have to fight off a guy because she made the mistake of accepting dinner. But I applaud the girls who have stuck to their guns, and all the guys who've been gentlemanly enough to make sure another girl doesn't have to. But it gets worse...

Some girls, believe it or not, accept the demands of miserly males, believing somehow that, "Well, he did pay for dinner, it's the least I can do..." But think about it ladies, if dinner is the cost of a kiss (and nine months of movies the bottom line for something more...) then what does that make you? If he believes he has somehow bought your body (lips, whatever...) then he's treating you like a whore. Think about that. No matter what other people think about you, no matter what your reputation is or what you think people expect of you, you need to respect yourself. You are worth so much more than a feature film and a large popcorn. Don't let any guy tell you that you owe him anything.

"But I paid for dinner so..."

Ever known a guy who used this excuse to justify taking liberties with a girl? It's a sorry excuse, and if a guy ever uses it he shouldn't get a second date (much less whatever else he wanted). It seems like an easy conclusion to make, yet all around me I see many girls in relationships full of assumptions, power struggles, and disrespect. I also see lots of girls who disrespect themselves by using sexual lures to reel in a guy, or squash competition. I remember reading a story in some book or magazine about some girl who was competing with another girl for a fairly popular jock. As a last ditch effort to push aside her rival, she gave him a blow job in the limo on the way to prom. What do you think of that girl? Is she a slut? Would she be a slut if she got the guy?

I wanted to use this story to illustrate something. So many girls use similar measures to get a guy who isn't worth the time, energy, or emotions. Why? Because if he expects you to service him like that before you're dating, what will he expect of you afterwards? The guy in the limo didn't respect her, he was using her to fulfill his sexual desires. And once that has been given what will the girl be left with? Probably not a loving relationship.

A lot of drama and hurt can be avoided with the understanding of one simple fact: If you have to compete for him, he isn't worth having. Once a girl realizes this, she is much less likely to go to desperate and unhealthy lengths to get her guy of choice. I'm a little old-school in my guy-doctrine. I believe in being pursued, that the guy should go after the girl. Besides the fact that this is in line with male nature (the need for a "challenge"--sexually and otherwise), it also helps to cement the worth of the girl in the relationship. She knows that she is wanted and desired (later she'll want those feelings to morph into "loved" and "adored"), and he knows he isn't "just anyone."

Now I'm not denouncing all competition. Let's get real, at any one given time there are only a few good men, so when one that is comes on the scene it's important to get in the game. But getting in the game shouldn't consist of throwing yourself at him, batting your eyes, or giving away sexual favors. It should consist of making yourself known, available, and attractive. It's no crime to send out a few vibes that say "I'm interested." Flirting, of itself, is fun and healthy, but once a guy knows you're interested, let him make the first move towards a deeper relationship. Don't escalate your signals unless he's sending signals that he's interested too. After all, fireworks when a flag will do smacks of desperation. Desperation at best it is unattractive, at worst it is an invitation to be taken advantage of. Remember, no guy is worth the cost of your individual dignity.

Of course, no one wants to look desperate. When a girl starts to slip into a desperate cycle she may not even realize what's happening. So I decided to compile a list. It's a list of how NOT to flirt. I'm going to comment on each one, so my rationale for its appearance on the list is explained.

1. Wearing tighter, wilder clothes to 'catch his eye'.--You'll catch it all right, but I can guarentee he's not looking at your eyes. You'd smack any other guy for staring at your chest so why do you want him to? If you're using your body to catch him don't expect him to notice anything else once you start dating. Some girls say they're okay with this, but think about it, do you really want him to be drooling over your neckline when you're trying to have a serious conversation? Every girl wants to be seen as a person, not just a body. And even the best guys are still...guys.

Alternative: Fix yourself up. Put enough effort into your outfit to show that you are attractive. Maybe something that brings out your eyes. Attractive=the potencial to be sexy. But he's going to have to work if he wants that to be anything more than a pipe dream. In the mean time, he can get to know your personality--perhaps find out if you have anything in common?

2. Acting excessively flirtatious. --"But Lyn," you're saying, "that's so subjective. How am I supposed to have any idea of what "excessive" is?" Well think of it this way, if your facial expression is starting to resemble Bambi's, you've gone too far. But seriously...don't agree with everything he says, or find all his hobbies "facinating". Don't prompt him to do all the talking, or do all the talking yourself. Don't invade his personal bubble, and don't do the "I'm into you" dance. You know 'the dance'. It's been done by every enigmatic blond in the history of human procreation, and a few clunkier women in recent history. We've all seen in, first she smiles, leans into him a little, letting her arms hang limp towards the ground. Then she straightens up --but only for an instant as she instantly begins leaning on foot, allowing that hip to jut to the side, then the other foot. Maybe she bends down and touches her toes, "I'm stretching," she says innocently, "I'm soooo sore..." When done well it's tarty, when done poorly it's embarrassing for all involved, and even those who aren't. So don't.

Alternative: Flirt well. All this means is that you are showing your interest. Find opportunities to talk with this person. Sit next to them on the bus, pick them for a lab partner, ask them for help with something you actually need help for. Compliment their skills, take interest in their hobbies. The rest should come naturally, since most flirtatious behavior is the direct result of being attracted to someone. For instance, guys and girls laugh more with someone they're attracted to. Body language is more open, and touch barriers tend to fall more quickly*.

*Watch this, sometimes you can unintentionally come on too strong by taking liberties you wouldn't normally if you weren't attracted.

3. Granting sexual favors. --This can include anything from making out with them before you have a commitment, to some of the more dubious favors... the problem with this is that in the end if you do get him it's only because of what he hoped to get from you ("hmm...if she did that before, what'll she do now that we're together?). In the best case scenario, he actually likes you, but the precedent set before you started dating will make establishing physical boundaries exceedingly difficult. If you don't get him, then he just used you anyway and now you have the reputation to show for it. But I also want to include some things that may not seem so obvious. I call these things "proximity crimes". They come in the form of getting close to a person, or to parts of a person that you wouldn't ordinarily. For instance, I once saw a guy lying in the grass. The girl he was interested in was kneeling above him, her knees on either side of his head...need I say more? It's also not wise to fall asleep on a guy you're not dating. Anytime you find yourself in a cozy situation with a guy, ask yourself, 'What does this mean?' If you don't know you either need to ask him, or reevaluate your boundaries.

Alternative: Do him a real favor--one he actually needs--like lending him a pencil. It's friendly, and whole lot classier. The worst he can do is keep the pencil.

These are all types of behaviors you want to avoid when pursuing a relationship. But sometimes these same pitfalls that can snag girls later. I'll talk about that in my next blog.

Relationships: Rubber to the Road

For the girls the manhunt begins somewhere between middle and high school. It's as though around twelve we're hit with some kind of revelation that it is our mission to get a man as soon as possible. We suddenly become aware of an inherent shortage that ravages the world and we set out to "snag a good one" before anyone else has the chance to beat us to it. There are of course, the outliers. We all remember that one girl who was started her manhunt well before she'd even left the first grade, and there are some girls who don't see the need to acknowledge the male race till well into college. But for most of us the process begins around age twelve. And our immediate attitude is, "They're only so many good one's, and honey, you are not going to stand in my way."

It takes a little longer for the boys to catch up, however, but by the time we're in high school there seems to be a ready crop amongst the community of Ys. And boy do they look good. We read our magazines, check out the TV shows, and peruse the blogs...all so that we can learn to do things that we already have some natural ability in, such as flirting and being charming, so we can real one in. It's almost like fishing. We have to learn to be seductive, to put out enough bait so that he'll bite. And when he does, hopefully, he'll be hooked.

As girls we learn tips from magazines and dumb websites. Half of it we don't take seriously, but we might pick up a new flirting technique, or an idea for a cute outfit. I actually think these influences affect girls more than even the most sophisticated would like to admit. Every time we crack a glossy we learn a little more about how to treat the opposite sex, and what a relationship with them should be like.

We learn that a relationship should be happy, easy-going, fun, and enjoyable. We want a guy who will make our girlfriend's jealous--who will treat us like a lady without acting like a chauvinist. We want him to notice our bodies, to make us feel sexy without looking too long, or intently, or being generally sleazy. We want him to take certain liberties without getting to frisky, and we want him to be sensitive and attune enough to our needs to know when things are going too far or too fast. We want to feel loved, enjoyed, appreciated, cherished, valuable, sexy, beautiful.

It's a tall order, and quite frankly, it misses the point. Because no one can make us feel all these things all the time. I think somewhere along the line, most girls forget that relationships are about people. It's about learning to interact with another person in a give and take, push and pull, talking-listening sort of way. You have to be willing to give as well as receive. You have to be willing to slog through those times when you aren't filled with warm fuzzy feelings. The movies tell us that strife in a relationship is a sign that it's time to call it quits. And if you're only in it for a good time, this is actually pretty good advice. But if you're only in it for a good time, then you're in a long series of short, selfish, fulfilling flings. That's when you have to ask yourself: is this what I really want?

See, the best relationships, are the ones you sweat through. A basketball team is made by doing the tough stuff together. You run, you jump, you wheeze, you bond. Your best friend from middle school was the girl you went through all the troubled puberty times with. She was the one who was with you when you swooned and moaned and griped your way through your first crush. She was the one who you called on the phone the instant you got home from buying your first bra. She was the one you cried to when you and your mom started to argue. She was there through thick and thin, through arguments and agitation. You laughed and cried, and you became closer to her than any other friend you've ever had and likely (psychology says) ever will have. Everyone knows the best relationships are born of turbulence.

So why is it that when it comes to guys we always seem to think that past getting him to say "I like you", it's supposed to be easy? The longer I'm with my beau the more I realize that my ideas of relational struggle were largely superficial. When you have two quality, stable people the struggles that you're left with are a bit more fundamental. Once you've waded through the initial drama, when the quarrels become less about what you like and don't like, and more about who you are and where you're going--when it's time for the rubber to meet the road, that's when you learn what relationships are really about. That's when you learn what love is.