They say that you should judge a man by his actions, so he knows it's not enough to say he loves you; he shows you too. At night, on the couch, in his car, at your place, at his place. You don't have to be sleeping with him to be familiar with this pattern. Let's be honest, we girls are suckers for a gentle caress. Ms. Sara Bareilles says it best in the second verse of her "Little Voice" single "Gravity."
You loved me 'cause I'm fragile
When I thought that I was strong,
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone.
Ever felt that? That feeling that all your reserve, your walls, your control is slipping away with his touch? Every contact, hug, kiss, cuddle, caress--it binds us to him. This isn't just a feeling, it's chemical, and scientists agree. When we cuddle with our boyfriends, Oxytocin, or the "cuddle hormone" is released in our brains. This bonding hormone makes sex and other intimate activities (like making out) bonding agents. The result is that it is infinitely more difficult for us to break up with him later. While both guys and girls experience a chemical spike in their brains during intimate activity, the levels in girl's brains are uniquely high. Translation: on a sheer chemical level, touch means more to girls.
Guys are generally turned on by sight, and we play to the visual nature of guys all the time with our clothes, makeup, and how we move on the dance floor. Half the reason we love our LBD is the (delightfully satisfying) dumbfounded look he got on his face the first time we put it on. But when a guy wants to get to a girl, he holds her. He puts his arms around her. He kisses her. Touch. And while any guy with affection in his heart will feel bonded to a girl he sleeps with, we can't depend on this to shield us from the fall-out of our decisions. Regardless of the path we choose to take--whether we plan on remaining abstinent until marriage, or we've decided to sleep with our boyfriends when the time feels right-- it's important that we are informed so that we can protect ourselves.
Knowing about this bond is still useful. After all, it's called "the cuddle hormone" not the sex hormone; and every time we start a new relationship we have an opportunity to protect our emotions by making him work for physical liberties. We decide how far things go. We are the ones who have to stick to our guns and make him work for our hearts before we hand them out on a silver platter. Reform in the course of a relationship is also possible, even necessary for improvement, but as all of us dating girls know, making changes to your relationship style mid-stream is infinitely more difficult than setting a precedent from the get-go. But it's worth it.
For those who chose abstinence know that it is possible, and it isn't asking too much of any good guy. But we have to be good to him in return and recognize the difficulty he is facing. If we're determined to wait for a ring, it's not fair for us to make out with him in the back seat of his car, or any dark secluded spot for that matter. We need to set our boundaries before hand, we need to know our limits, and his, and not push them. We shouldn't intentionally turn him on just to shut him down, it only hurts him and asks for trouble.
But let's fast-forward to the worst case scenario: The breakup. If we're honest with ourselves the feeling has been sitting in our gut for awhile. Maybe it's the constant bickering, the realization that we want different things, or the flat feeling of resignation where the butterflies should be. But we can't let go, because we've been through so much. This scenario becomes even more difficult if the guy in question plain isn't good for us. Maybe he appears to play his part as the devoted boyfriend--gifts, dates, dresses, jewelry, dinner--but the longer we're with him the more life seems to fall apart. This is when it becomes crucial to find good, strong, level headed girls to lean on, say your prayers, and cut the tie no matter what you've been through, or how good he is deep inside. No more digging. Examine what's above the surface. What can be seen from the outside? We need to let friends and family help us look beyond our private moments, because it just might be time to say, "leave me be."
But let's fast-forward to the worst case scenario: The breakup. If we're honest with ourselves the feeling has been sitting in our gut for awhile. Maybe it's the constant bickering, the realization that we want different things, or the flat feeling of resignation where the butterflies should be. But we can't let go, because we've been through so much. This scenario becomes even more difficult if the guy in question plain isn't good for us. Maybe he appears to play his part as the devoted boyfriend--gifts, dates, dresses, jewelry, dinner--but the longer we're with him the more life seems to fall apart. This is when it becomes crucial to find good, strong, level headed girls to lean on, say your prayers, and cut the tie no matter what you've been through, or how good he is deep inside. No more digging. Examine what's above the surface. What can be seen from the outside? We need to let friends and family help us look beyond our private moments, because it just might be time to say, "leave me be."
