"But I paid for dinner so..." Part 2

It's unfortunate to see a girl giving away a lot of herself to a guy in the mere hope that he'll give her a second glance, and maybe a first date. But do you know what's equally unfortunate? When a girl allows herself to be guilted into giving away favors after the date. I heard about a girl once who was pressured into her first kiss by a guy who thought she owed it to him after the fifteen dollar plate he bought her. When she resisted he said something like, "But I paid for dinner so... you owe me." Timid girl that she was, she gave in. I heard of another girl who nearly got raped because a guy who had taken her out for around nine months felt he had the right to sleep with her. His rationale was that he had paid for all the dinners, movies, and shows they went to. After nine months of shelling out bucks from his own wallet he felt he deserved a little somethin'. And when she wasn't willing to give it, he decided to take it. He was unsuccessful, but unfortunately this is not an isolated case. Some girls now demand to go dutch for every date they go on with a new prospect. Other girls refuse to accept gifts from any guy, boyfriend or otherwise, for fear of the unspoken cost.

This is unfortunate. No girl should have to be afraid of accepting chivalry from a guy because of what he might require of her. No girl should have to fight off a guy because she made the mistake of accepting dinner. But I applaud the girls who have stuck to their guns, and all the guys who've been gentlemanly enough to make sure another girl doesn't have to. But it gets worse...

Some girls, believe it or not, accept the demands of miserly males, believing somehow that, "Well, he did pay for dinner, it's the least I can do..." But think about it ladies, if dinner is the cost of a kiss (and nine months of movies the bottom line for something more...) then what does that make you? If he believes he has somehow bought your body (lips, whatever...) then he's treating you like a whore. Think about that. No matter what other people think about you, no matter what your reputation is or what you think people expect of you, you need to respect yourself. You are worth so much more than a feature film and a large popcorn. Don't let any guy tell you that you owe him anything.

"But I paid for dinner so..."

Ever known a guy who used this excuse to justify taking liberties with a girl? It's a sorry excuse, and if a guy ever uses it he shouldn't get a second date (much less whatever else he wanted). It seems like an easy conclusion to make, yet all around me I see many girls in relationships full of assumptions, power struggles, and disrespect. I also see lots of girls who disrespect themselves by using sexual lures to reel in a guy, or squash competition. I remember reading a story in some book or magazine about some girl who was competing with another girl for a fairly popular jock. As a last ditch effort to push aside her rival, she gave him a blow job in the limo on the way to prom. What do you think of that girl? Is she a slut? Would she be a slut if she got the guy?

I wanted to use this story to illustrate something. So many girls use similar measures to get a guy who isn't worth the time, energy, or emotions. Why? Because if he expects you to service him like that before you're dating, what will he expect of you afterwards? The guy in the limo didn't respect her, he was using her to fulfill his sexual desires. And once that has been given what will the girl be left with? Probably not a loving relationship.

A lot of drama and hurt can be avoided with the understanding of one simple fact: If you have to compete for him, he isn't worth having. Once a girl realizes this, she is much less likely to go to desperate and unhealthy lengths to get her guy of choice. I'm a little old-school in my guy-doctrine. I believe in being pursued, that the guy should go after the girl. Besides the fact that this is in line with male nature (the need for a "challenge"--sexually and otherwise), it also helps to cement the worth of the girl in the relationship. She knows that she is wanted and desired (later she'll want those feelings to morph into "loved" and "adored"), and he knows he isn't "just anyone."

Now I'm not denouncing all competition. Let's get real, at any one given time there are only a few good men, so when one that is comes on the scene it's important to get in the game. But getting in the game shouldn't consist of throwing yourself at him, batting your eyes, or giving away sexual favors. It should consist of making yourself known, available, and attractive. It's no crime to send out a few vibes that say "I'm interested." Flirting, of itself, is fun and healthy, but once a guy knows you're interested, let him make the first move towards a deeper relationship. Don't escalate your signals unless he's sending signals that he's interested too. After all, fireworks when a flag will do smacks of desperation. Desperation at best it is unattractive, at worst it is an invitation to be taken advantage of. Remember, no guy is worth the cost of your individual dignity.

Of course, no one wants to look desperate. When a girl starts to slip into a desperate cycle she may not even realize what's happening. So I decided to compile a list. It's a list of how NOT to flirt. I'm going to comment on each one, so my rationale for its appearance on the list is explained.

1. Wearing tighter, wilder clothes to 'catch his eye'.--You'll catch it all right, but I can guarentee he's not looking at your eyes. You'd smack any other guy for staring at your chest so why do you want him to? If you're using your body to catch him don't expect him to notice anything else once you start dating. Some girls say they're okay with this, but think about it, do you really want him to be drooling over your neckline when you're trying to have a serious conversation? Every girl wants to be seen as a person, not just a body. And even the best guys are still...guys.

Alternative: Fix yourself up. Put enough effort into your outfit to show that you are attractive. Maybe something that brings out your eyes. Attractive=the potencial to be sexy. But he's going to have to work if he wants that to be anything more than a pipe dream. In the mean time, he can get to know your personality--perhaps find out if you have anything in common?

2. Acting excessively flirtatious. --"But Lyn," you're saying, "that's so subjective. How am I supposed to have any idea of what "excessive" is?" Well think of it this way, if your facial expression is starting to resemble Bambi's, you've gone too far. But seriously...don't agree with everything he says, or find all his hobbies "facinating". Don't prompt him to do all the talking, or do all the talking yourself. Don't invade his personal bubble, and don't do the "I'm into you" dance. You know 'the dance'. It's been done by every enigmatic blond in the history of human procreation, and a few clunkier women in recent history. We've all seen in, first she smiles, leans into him a little, letting her arms hang limp towards the ground. Then she straightens up --but only for an instant as she instantly begins leaning on foot, allowing that hip to jut to the side, then the other foot. Maybe she bends down and touches her toes, "I'm stretching," she says innocently, "I'm soooo sore..." When done well it's tarty, when done poorly it's embarrassing for all involved, and even those who aren't. So don't.

Alternative: Flirt well. All this means is that you are showing your interest. Find opportunities to talk with this person. Sit next to them on the bus, pick them for a lab partner, ask them for help with something you actually need help for. Compliment their skills, take interest in their hobbies. The rest should come naturally, since most flirtatious behavior is the direct result of being attracted to someone. For instance, guys and girls laugh more with someone they're attracted to. Body language is more open, and touch barriers tend to fall more quickly*.

*Watch this, sometimes you can unintentionally come on too strong by taking liberties you wouldn't normally if you weren't attracted.

3. Granting sexual favors. --This can include anything from making out with them before you have a commitment, to some of the more dubious favors... the problem with this is that in the end if you do get him it's only because of what he hoped to get from you ("hmm...if she did that before, what'll she do now that we're together?). In the best case scenario, he actually likes you, but the precedent set before you started dating will make establishing physical boundaries exceedingly difficult. If you don't get him, then he just used you anyway and now you have the reputation to show for it. But I also want to include some things that may not seem so obvious. I call these things "proximity crimes". They come in the form of getting close to a person, or to parts of a person that you wouldn't ordinarily. For instance, I once saw a guy lying in the grass. The girl he was interested in was kneeling above him, her knees on either side of his head...need I say more? It's also not wise to fall asleep on a guy you're not dating. Anytime you find yourself in a cozy situation with a guy, ask yourself, 'What does this mean?' If you don't know you either need to ask him, or reevaluate your boundaries.

Alternative: Do him a real favor--one he actually needs--like lending him a pencil. It's friendly, and whole lot classier. The worst he can do is keep the pencil.

These are all types of behaviors you want to avoid when pursuing a relationship. But sometimes these same pitfalls that can snag girls later. I'll talk about that in my next blog.

Relationships: Rubber to the Road

For the girls the manhunt begins somewhere between middle and high school. It's as though around twelve we're hit with some kind of revelation that it is our mission to get a man as soon as possible. We suddenly become aware of an inherent shortage that ravages the world and we set out to "snag a good one" before anyone else has the chance to beat us to it. There are of course, the outliers. We all remember that one girl who was started her manhunt well before she'd even left the first grade, and there are some girls who don't see the need to acknowledge the male race till well into college. But for most of us the process begins around age twelve. And our immediate attitude is, "They're only so many good one's, and honey, you are not going to stand in my way."

It takes a little longer for the boys to catch up, however, but by the time we're in high school there seems to be a ready crop amongst the community of Ys. And boy do they look good. We read our magazines, check out the TV shows, and peruse the blogs...all so that we can learn to do things that we already have some natural ability in, such as flirting and being charming, so we can real one in. It's almost like fishing. We have to learn to be seductive, to put out enough bait so that he'll bite. And when he does, hopefully, he'll be hooked.

As girls we learn tips from magazines and dumb websites. Half of it we don't take seriously, but we might pick up a new flirting technique, or an idea for a cute outfit. I actually think these influences affect girls more than even the most sophisticated would like to admit. Every time we crack a glossy we learn a little more about how to treat the opposite sex, and what a relationship with them should be like.

We learn that a relationship should be happy, easy-going, fun, and enjoyable. We want a guy who will make our girlfriend's jealous--who will treat us like a lady without acting like a chauvinist. We want him to notice our bodies, to make us feel sexy without looking too long, or intently, or being generally sleazy. We want him to take certain liberties without getting to frisky, and we want him to be sensitive and attune enough to our needs to know when things are going too far or too fast. We want to feel loved, enjoyed, appreciated, cherished, valuable, sexy, beautiful.

It's a tall order, and quite frankly, it misses the point. Because no one can make us feel all these things all the time. I think somewhere along the line, most girls forget that relationships are about people. It's about learning to interact with another person in a give and take, push and pull, talking-listening sort of way. You have to be willing to give as well as receive. You have to be willing to slog through those times when you aren't filled with warm fuzzy feelings. The movies tell us that strife in a relationship is a sign that it's time to call it quits. And if you're only in it for a good time, this is actually pretty good advice. But if you're only in it for a good time, then you're in a long series of short, selfish, fulfilling flings. That's when you have to ask yourself: is this what I really want?

See, the best relationships, are the ones you sweat through. A basketball team is made by doing the tough stuff together. You run, you jump, you wheeze, you bond. Your best friend from middle school was the girl you went through all the troubled puberty times with. She was the one who was with you when you swooned and moaned and griped your way through your first crush. She was the one who you called on the phone the instant you got home from buying your first bra. She was the one you cried to when you and your mom started to argue. She was there through thick and thin, through arguments and agitation. You laughed and cried, and you became closer to her than any other friend you've ever had and likely (psychology says) ever will have. Everyone knows the best relationships are born of turbulence.

So why is it that when it comes to guys we always seem to think that past getting him to say "I like you", it's supposed to be easy? The longer I'm with my beau the more I realize that my ideas of relational struggle were largely superficial. When you have two quality, stable people the struggles that you're left with are a bit more fundamental. Once you've waded through the initial drama, when the quarrels become less about what you like and don't like, and more about who you are and where you're going--when it's time for the rubber to meet the road, that's when you learn what relationships are really about. That's when you learn what love is.

Kissing II

Yes, I was thinking about this smoochsy little topic again, and it occurred to me only recently that there are universal laws for kissing. I think most people know them. It's not like there's a rule book somewhere, no one needs to be told or have them explained. They're just there, and mankind (hopefully :)) abides. But for the sake of argument, suppose some poor soul was left out of this little part of human nature? What if somewhere there is some novice out there who has never heard of the rules, much less have a clue what they are? Or what if this is all in my imagination and there really are no rules?

I'm going to settle this right now by writing down once and for all what I have somehow come to believe are universal rules that surround the act of kissing. Many of these apply specifically to first kisses, which come to think of it, is probably where we need rules the most...

1. Never kiss in front of parents or friends. There is nothing more embarrassing than a lip-to-lip in front the very people who changed your diapers (and don't see much of a difference in you to this day). Not to mention, kisses are supposed to be private and romantic, not parental samples.
2. Watch the setting. The backseat of his car is not romantic, it's sleazy. The living room couch is okay if it had a good setup, the doorstep (her doorstep) is classic.
3. Watch the signals. There are usually some pretty good clues that a kiss is on the way. Usually it's little things like glancing at the mouth, moving hands to the shoulders (guys), or to the waist (girls), spreading feet, tilting head, etc... A guy who wants to make it obvious (and avoid missing) might put his hand on her cheek.
   
4. Heads tilt to the right. Perhaps this is just because most of the world is right handed, or maybe there is some primeval tradition that dates back to our hunter-gatherer days ("no see deer over left shoulder--grunt-grunt..."). But this just seems to be the standard.
   
5. First kisses are (usually) standing events. It just seems weird to me that a first kiss should take place while sitting down.

So does this seem absurd? Or has anyone else spent their life unconsciously believing them? Does anyone know of some different "rules"? And are these rules good, necessary, or just silly? Comment and let me know what you think.

To see my first blog about kissing, check out "Kissing!" posted December 2008.

Valentine's Day II (What do They Want??)

Note: reading and participation in this blog could make the coming Valentine's Day and all following romantic holidays (birthdays, anniversaries, etc.) a walk in the park for you, and for many others in your postion. What is that position? Ignorance about what on earth the opposite sex wants!

It's a mere five days till Valentine's Day, and the question on every dating person's lips? "What should I get them??" These words are spoken with increasing measures of desperation and bewilderment the closer it gets to that special day. Similar feelings tend to arise near birthdays, anniversaires, Christmas, Hanukkah...

Personally, I think guys have a pretty easy job. Perhaps that's just because I'm a girl. But most the marketing around Valentine's Day is aimed at guys. The ads on TV tell guys that they should get their girlfriends flowers, chocolate, and kitsch shaped like hearts. And frankly, they're right. But if you're truly attuned to the nature of women you know that all the generic sentimental gifts, while appreciated (and among some girls, even required) is only worth something if accompanied with an original element.

Sometimes this is just a matter of upgrading. For instance:

1. A bouquet of flowers--Good
2. A bouquet of red roses--Better
3. A bouquet of red roses and her favorite flower in her favorite color--Best

Although overall, most girls (especially teenage girls) will tell you they'd prefer a single red bloom to a whole bouquet of roses. 

Or, a foody variation:

1. A heart shaped box of candy--Good
2. A heart shaped box of chocolates--Better
3. A heart shaped box of her favorite fudge (or whatever)--Best

A little personalization goes a long way with girls. It shows you that you know what pleases a girl (roses) but that you also know her well enough to make your gift personal, which proves you've been paying attention (roses+favorite flower--which may actually be cheeper, by the way).

But guys aren't so easy to figure. I have lots of cool plans for girls (I daresay I'd make a good boyfriend :P), but you can't really get a guy flowers, or even personalize any of the classics (and believe me guys, anything can be personalized). Someone might be tempted to tell me to chill out. Guys aren't into all that stuff anyway. But the thing about me (and I suspect a lot of other girls) is that even if he isn't into all the tokens, I feel the need to express my love and care. I want to make sure that whatever I decide to get him will be appreciated for more than just the fact that I gave it to him. 

So I'm going to open up my delima to the public. I want suggestions, from both girls and guys about what they would want. Start posting! I want you to give me your Ultimate Suggestion. What you would appreciate the most for Valentine's Day? Maybe you'll make life for the opposite gender (and me!) a little easier. To kick start this little shmorg-board of ideas I'm going to give up my ultimate suggestions. Here goes:

Jaclyn's "Ultimate Suggestion" (fantacy):
I journal a lot. As a result I have all the dates and most of the times of the significant events of my relationship recorded (e.g. September 10 , 2008, 10:15pm: first held hands--that's the real date by the way). My ultimate fantacy includes a miniature 2009 calender filled from with pictures of us or pictures of us with our friends. All the significant events are pre-typed into the little boxes as the original, or anniversaries of important events. Things like "first banquet", "first hug", etc. Other boxes would have allusions to inside jokes. There would only be perhaps...twenty boxes with anything in them, but with the pictures it would be exceedingly special.

Jaclyn's Ultimate Suggestion:
A mix CD (maybe with some significant songs), wrapped, with a nice card.

Valentine's Day

Christmas has its lights, and Thanksgiving, its turkey. Halloween drowns in sugar and candy, and even St. Patrick's Day doesn't pass without a friendly pinch, but no other holiday acknowledges love, and sweetness the way our beloved Valentine's Day does. The truth is, most people have pretty mixed feelings about February 14, also widely known by the cynics and the bitter as Single's Awareness Day (it's no accident that the letters of this acronym spell "SAD").

On one hand, those who are happily married, or otherwise committed usually take the opportunity to trade gifts, go on romantic dates, and make everyone sick to their stomachs with their syrupy sweet (and often lengthy) public displays of affection. All the girls who have relationships, of course, use this as yet another opportunity for ridiculously jejune, yet classically feminine competition. They get together in small groups and compare the things their boyfriend's got them. A teddy bear here, a dozen roses there, a bouquet of flowers, a Valentine card. On occasion one girl manages to wow the group with a treasure truly original, proving once and for all that her boyfriend is superior to all her friend's beaus, and thus proving her superiority as a girl for having hooked such a gentleman.

Then there are those who, while happily attached, find the whole fluffy affair a bit much to handle. They drown helplessly in the pools of melted candy hearts, and from the time they sneeze themselves out of the rose petal bed, to when they sink into the lacy sheets at night, they feel little more than awkwardness and discomfort. "After all," many such couples say, "why should couples have to wait until February to show their significant others how they feel about them? It all seems so fake, so calculated..." The sentiments are genuine. Let's face it, Valentine's Day is a commercial holidayWhile these couples may enjoy the opportunity to do something special together, they don't enjoy the artificiality of the scheduled focus on romance. . And they certainly don't enjoy the abundance of attention from other people.

Finally, there are those who are single and resigned, if not happy (some people are better at rocking the single thing better than others). I was once one such person a year ago. Before my recent status change (going on seven months in case anyone wanted to know:D) I was resigned to single life, and for the most part, I was okay with it. I was a little envious of the girls who's daddies got them flowers or chocolate. My dad has never been much of a holiday type. He likes them, but he doesn't put tons of thought into them. And I treasured the small gifts from my girlfriends (I've never been much of a gift giver either, at least, not without lots of effort on my part), but the holiday just never sang to me. No worry, there was Christmas, and the piles of candy from friends carried me through the holiday lull to July 4.

Overall, most people manage to get through the holiday without too much discomfort or bitterness. In fact, I'd venture to say that most people like Valentine's Day (whether or not they're willing to admit it). But when one changes relational status they suddenly have to face the question of "what now?" Whether it be because of a recent brake up, or a new relationship , the first Valentine's Day after the fact always leaves one a little unsure of how they should respond to the holiday.

This is exactly the conundrum I'm facing now. It's my first Valentine's Day with my current (and incidentally, first) beau, and I haven't the slightest clue what I should do. Neither of us do. We talked about spending the day together, going out to eat, taking a walk... but these are all things we've done before. We're not exactly the most romance oriented couple. We enjoy spending time together, and he is amazingly sweet, but we're not particularly original. 

A couple days ago this fact truly bothered me. I mean, it's my first Valentine's Day as part of a "we" and I want it to be special. But it was only tonight that the obvious hit me. What makes the day special isn't what we do (nooooo, really?) it's about us. It's about two people taking extra time to enjoy their relationship. It's about expressing a love that doesn't need lots of frills or flowers to speak adequately (though I wouldn't at all mind a bouquet of roses--in case anyone was wondering :P).

I informed my dearest that I don't mind surprises, but when all is said and done there is something to be said for the classic eat out before curling up on the couch to watch a nice movie. Some would say this sounds plain, but with my man? sounds like a good evening to me.

Anniversaries: 5 Things All Guy's Should Know

If you're in a serious relationship with a girl, there are five things about anniversaries YOU MUST KNOW. Let's define "serious" as a relationship lasting three months or more. By the time you've passed this magical threshold, you should be keeping track of, and acknowledging your monthly anniversaries. How do you do that? Well here's a crash course.

1. DON'T FORGET: Even if this means you have to invest in a calender, or enter it into your cell phone, DO IT! If you're lucky, you'll be with the kind of girl who won't decapitate you for not remembering every little date (held hands: April 17, 8:47pm, kissed: June 6, 9:48pm, went to first foreign film September 9...). But even if she's easy going, it will mean a lot to her that your relationship with her is important enough to you to remember. Anniversaries are important because the longer you are together the more serious the relationship is. It's also a way to mark all the good times you've had. And it's an opportunity to show her how special she is to you.
   
2. REMEMBER THE BIG ONES: My personal rule when it comes to defining the "big ones" (for relationships under year) is the 1-3-6 rule. The first month of dating is always significant because you've changed units of counting. It's no longer "we've been dating for three and a half weeks", it's "we've been dating for months". Three months is when a relationship can begin to be considered serious (at least for a high schoolers). It's assumed that if you've made it three months you'll at least make it another three, maybe even a year (excluding the presence of great drama throughout). Six months is a big deal because you're half way to your next big unit of counting (unless some strange soul out there uses quarters): the YEAR. It's a huge halfway mark. A simple "Happy Anniversary" and a hug might suffice for all the others (2-5, 7-11). But even then, a card might be nice.
3. LET HER KNOW YOU REMEMBER: Even if she knows you thought about it, she still needs to hear you say "Happy Anniversary". She needs to hear you acknowledge it to her. Even if it's on the phone. And if it's a big one, do something special. Go out to dinner, make her dinner (not before six months), give her flowers, get her a stuffed animal, get her something associated with her favorite band, artist, hobby, sport, or author. Make it special by reminding her she's special.
   
4. IF YOU DON'T HAVE A CLUE WHAT DO TO FOR HER... ask her! This doesn't mean that you ask her what animal and what kinds of flowers she likes, and then go out and purchase those exact things for her. This will make her feel like an obligation, which for some girls is worse than nothing. This means you approach her with a question like, "So our anniversary is coming up... I think it would be fun to do something together. Do you have any feelings about what we should do?" This way, instead of looking completely clueless, you look like you're merely getting her imput. You've also let her know that you've been thinking about the date and want it to be special. You may end up doing exactly what she suggested. That's okay, as long as you tell her ("You're right, bowling sounds great. Let's do that."), and you supplement it with something original. Don't panic, "original" can include a bouquet (big or small) of her favorite flowers, plush toy, or funny card. Just as long as she knows you did some thinking on your own.
5. IF YOU DO FORGET...acknowledge it. Let her know you forgot or got distracted, or whatever. Apologize, and then do something anyway. It will mean a lot to her that you bothered to make it up. If she's gracious, she'll give you a second chance without putting you in the dog house (as long as you don't make a habit of it).
   

Remember these five things and you'll keep both you and your special someone happy. After all, it's not just about dates and times, it's about showing her you care.