I wanted to use this story to illustrate something. So many girls use similar measures to get a guy who isn't worth the time, energy, or emotions. Why? Because if he expects you to service him like that before you're dating, what will he expect of you afterwards? The guy in the limo didn't respect her, he was using her to fulfill his sexual desires. And once that has been given what will the girl be left with? Probably not a loving relationship.
A lot of drama and hurt can be avoided with the understanding of one simple fact: If you have to compete for him, he isn't worth having. Once a girl realizes this, she is much less likely to go to desperate and unhealthy lengths to get her guy of choice. I'm a little old-school in my guy-doctrine. I believe in being pursued, that the guy should go after the girl. Besides the fact that this is in line with male nature (the need for a "challenge"--sexually and otherwise), it also helps to cement the worth of the girl in the relationship. She knows that she is wanted and desired (later she'll want those feelings to morph into "loved" and "adored"), and he knows he isn't "just anyone."
Now I'm not denouncing all competition. Let's get real, at any one given time there are only a few good men, so when one that is comes on the scene it's important to get in the game. But getting in the game shouldn't consist of throwing yourself at him, batting your eyes, or giving away sexual favors. It should consist of making yourself known, available, and attractive. It's no crime to send out a few vibes that say "I'm interested." Flirting, of itself, is fun and healthy, but once a guy knows you're interested, let him make the first move towards a deeper relationship. Don't escalate your signals unless he's sending signals that he's interested too. After all, fireworks when a flag will do smacks of desperation. Desperation at best it is unattractive, at worst it is an invitation to be taken advantage of. Remember, no guy is worth the cost of your individual dignity.
Of course, no one wants to look desperate. When a girl starts to slip into a desperate cycle she may not even realize what's happening. So I decided to compile a list. It's a list of how NOT to flirt. I'm going to comment on each one, so my rationale for its appearance on the list is explained.
1. Wearing tighter, wilder clothes to 'catch his eye'.--You'll catch it all right, but I can guarentee he's not looking at your eyes. You'd smack any other guy for staring at your chest so why do you want him to? If you're using your body to catch him don't expect him to notice anything else once you start dating. Some girls say they're okay with this, but think about it, do you really want him to be drooling over your neckline when you're trying to have a serious conversation? Every girl wants to be seen as a person, not just a body. And even the best guys are still...guys.
Alternative: Fix yourself up. Put enough effort into your outfit to show that you are attractive. Maybe something that brings out your eyes. Attractive=the potencial to be sexy. But he's going to have to work if he wants that to be anything more than a pipe dream. In the mean time, he can get to know your personality--perhaps find out if you have anything in common?
2. Acting excessively flirtatious. --"But Lyn," you're saying, "that's so subjective. How am I supposed to have any idea of what "excessive" is?" Well think of it this way, if your facial expression is starting to resemble Bambi's, you've gone too far. But seriously...don't agree with everything he says, or find all his hobbies "facinating". Don't prompt him to do all the talking, or do all the talking yourself. Don't invade his personal bubble, and don't do the "I'm into you" dance. You know 'the dance'. It's been done by every enigmatic blond in the history of human procreation, and a few clunkier women in recent history. We've all seen in, first she smiles, leans into him a little, letting her arms hang limp towards the ground. Then she straightens up --but only for an instant as she instantly begins leaning on foot, allowing that hip to jut to the side, then the other foot. Maybe she bends down and touches her toes, "I'm stretching," she says innocently, "I'm soooo sore..." When done well it's tarty, when done poorly it's embarrassing for all involved, and even those who aren't. So don't.
Alternative: Flirt well. All this means is that you are showing your interest. Find opportunities to talk with this person. Sit next to them on the bus, pick them for a lab partner, ask them for help with something you actually need help for. Compliment their skills, take interest in their hobbies. The rest should come naturally, since most flirtatious behavior is the direct result of being attracted to someone. For instance, guys and girls laugh more with someone they're attracted to. Body language is more open, and touch barriers tend to fall more quickly*.
*Watch this, sometimes you can unintentionally come on too strong by taking liberties you wouldn't normally if you weren't attracted.
3. Granting sexual favors. --This can include anything from making out with them before you have a commitment, to some of the more dubious favors... the problem with this is that in the end if you do get him it's only because of what he hoped to get from you ("hmm...if she did that before, what'll she do now that we're together?). In the best case scenario, he actually likes you, but the precedent set before you started dating will make establishing physical boundaries exceedingly difficult. If you don't get him, then he just used you anyway and now you have the reputation to show for it. But I also want to include some things that may not seem so obvious. I call these things "proximity crimes". They come in the form of getting close to a person, or to parts of a person that you wouldn't ordinarily. For instance, I once saw a guy lying in the grass. The girl he was interested in was kneeling above him, her knees on either side of his head...need I say more? It's also not wise to fall asleep on a guy you're not dating. Anytime you find yourself in a cozy situation with a guy, ask yourself, 'What does this mean?' If you don't know you either need to ask him, or reevaluate your boundaries.
Alternative: Do him a real favor--one he actually needs--like lending him a pencil. It's friendly, and whole lot classier. The worst he can do is keep the pencil.
These are all types of behaviors you want to avoid when pursuing a relationship. But sometimes these same pitfalls that can snag girls later. I'll talk about that in my next blog.
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