Relationships: Rubber to the Road

For the girls the manhunt begins somewhere between middle and high school. It's as though around twelve we're hit with some kind of revelation that it is our mission to get a man as soon as possible. We suddenly become aware of an inherent shortage that ravages the world and we set out to "snag a good one" before anyone else has the chance to beat us to it. There are of course, the outliers. We all remember that one girl who was started her manhunt well before she'd even left the first grade, and there are some girls who don't see the need to acknowledge the male race till well into college. But for most of us the process begins around age twelve. And our immediate attitude is, "They're only so many good one's, and honey, you are not going to stand in my way."

It takes a little longer for the boys to catch up, however, but by the time we're in high school there seems to be a ready crop amongst the community of Ys. And boy do they look good. We read our magazines, check out the TV shows, and peruse the blogs...all so that we can learn to do things that we already have some natural ability in, such as flirting and being charming, so we can real one in. It's almost like fishing. We have to learn to be seductive, to put out enough bait so that he'll bite. And when he does, hopefully, he'll be hooked.

As girls we learn tips from magazines and dumb websites. Half of it we don't take seriously, but we might pick up a new flirting technique, or an idea for a cute outfit. I actually think these influences affect girls more than even the most sophisticated would like to admit. Every time we crack a glossy we learn a little more about how to treat the opposite sex, and what a relationship with them should be like.

We learn that a relationship should be happy, easy-going, fun, and enjoyable. We want a guy who will make our girlfriend's jealous--who will treat us like a lady without acting like a chauvinist. We want him to notice our bodies, to make us feel sexy without looking too long, or intently, or being generally sleazy. We want him to take certain liberties without getting to frisky, and we want him to be sensitive and attune enough to our needs to know when things are going too far or too fast. We want to feel loved, enjoyed, appreciated, cherished, valuable, sexy, beautiful.

It's a tall order, and quite frankly, it misses the point. Because no one can make us feel all these things all the time. I think somewhere along the line, most girls forget that relationships are about people. It's about learning to interact with another person in a give and take, push and pull, talking-listening sort of way. You have to be willing to give as well as receive. You have to be willing to slog through those times when you aren't filled with warm fuzzy feelings. The movies tell us that strife in a relationship is a sign that it's time to call it quits. And if you're only in it for a good time, this is actually pretty good advice. But if you're only in it for a good time, then you're in a long series of short, selfish, fulfilling flings. That's when you have to ask yourself: is this what I really want?

See, the best relationships, are the ones you sweat through. A basketball team is made by doing the tough stuff together. You run, you jump, you wheeze, you bond. Your best friend from middle school was the girl you went through all the troubled puberty times with. She was the one who was with you when you swooned and moaned and griped your way through your first crush. She was the one who you called on the phone the instant you got home from buying your first bra. She was the one you cried to when you and your mom started to argue. She was there through thick and thin, through arguments and agitation. You laughed and cried, and you became closer to her than any other friend you've ever had and likely (psychology says) ever will have. Everyone knows the best relationships are born of turbulence.

So why is it that when it comes to guys we always seem to think that past getting him to say "I like you", it's supposed to be easy? The longer I'm with my beau the more I realize that my ideas of relational struggle were largely superficial. When you have two quality, stable people the struggles that you're left with are a bit more fundamental. Once you've waded through the initial drama, when the quarrels become less about what you like and don't like, and more about who you are and where you're going--when it's time for the rubber to meet the road, that's when you learn what relationships are really about. That's when you learn what love is.