Kissing II

Yes, I was thinking about this smoochsy little topic again, and it occurred to me only recently that there are universal laws for kissing. I think most people know them. It's not like there's a rule book somewhere, no one needs to be told or have them explained. They're just there, and mankind (hopefully :)) abides. But for the sake of argument, suppose some poor soul was left out of this little part of human nature? What if somewhere there is some novice out there who has never heard of the rules, much less have a clue what they are? Or what if this is all in my imagination and there really are no rules?

I'm going to settle this right now by writing down once and for all what I have somehow come to believe are universal rules that surround the act of kissing. Many of these apply specifically to first kisses, which come to think of it, is probably where we need rules the most...

1. Never kiss in front of parents or friends. There is nothing more embarrassing than a lip-to-lip in front the very people who changed your diapers (and don't see much of a difference in you to this day). Not to mention, kisses are supposed to be private and romantic, not parental samples.
2. Watch the setting. The backseat of his car is not romantic, it's sleazy. The living room couch is okay if it had a good setup, the doorstep (her doorstep) is classic.
3. Watch the signals. There are usually some pretty good clues that a kiss is on the way. Usually it's little things like glancing at the mouth, moving hands to the shoulders (guys), or to the waist (girls), spreading feet, tilting head, etc... A guy who wants to make it obvious (and avoid missing) might put his hand on her cheek.
   
4. Heads tilt to the right. Perhaps this is just because most of the world is right handed, or maybe there is some primeval tradition that dates back to our hunter-gatherer days ("no see deer over left shoulder--grunt-grunt..."). But this just seems to be the standard.
   
5. First kisses are (usually) standing events. It just seems weird to me that a first kiss should take place while sitting down.

So does this seem absurd? Or has anyone else spent their life unconsciously believing them? Does anyone know of some different "rules"? And are these rules good, necessary, or just silly? Comment and let me know what you think.

To see my first blog about kissing, check out "Kissing!" posted December 2008.