The Truth about Monogamy and Unfaithful Partners

There are a lot of "studies" going around right now trying to prove that men are not 'meant to be' monogamous. To which I say bovine-scatology! Firstly, people accept the "evidence" of studies and statistics way too easily, without questioning how the studies were conducted, or the sample size and method of procuring the statistics (both of which are susceptible to manipulation). Secondly, I've been blessed with too many GOOD, monogamous men in my life (dad, granddad, other granddad, boyfriend, boyfriend's dad, etc.) to believe they're ALL outliers (No, not a scientifically formed opinion, but it's how I feel.). And thirdly, most of these studies seem to be based on a desire to excuse men from their moral failings when they cheat, hurt their wives or partners, and damage their families.

If you don't believe you can be monogamous, DON'T GET MARRIED. Afraid you'll lose your girlfriend because you know one day you'll cheat? TOUGH! If you really love her you won't deceive her about your ability to be faithful. This goes for women as well (although I've observed little to no effort to scientifically absolve women for their unfaithfulness).

Another myth that needs to be busted is: When women cheat sexually it is "worse" than when men cheat because sex is more emotional for women. Thus, if a women is willing to have sex with another guy, it means he has emotionally supplanted her husband.

Whether or not sex "means more to women" than to men isn't even the issue. Ultimately, men and women cheat for the same reasons: They have specific emotional needs that aren't being fulfilled within the relationship, and do not know how to effectively ask for them. 

While many men may cite "boredom" or "tiredness" with their marriage as their reasons for cheating,  'boredom' often translates to a need for attention, excitement, or a change in routine. "Tiredness" may translate to a need for appreciation (Ever notice girls, how guys often fall for the girls who "need" them?), or an end to certain tedious aspects of their relationship (such as a workaholic lifestyle, or that one argument that seems to crop up over and over...). Men are less likely to stray sexually when their non-sexual needs are being met.

Likewise, if a woman feels a particular need isn't being met by her husband (e.g. appreciation, emotional vulnerability and openness, flexibility, spontaneous affection, or a willingness to grow together), extramarital fulfillment of certain needs may lead to a sexual affair. Like Emily Weaver in "Crazy, Stupid, Love" (the wife of Steve Carrell's character, Cal Weaver), many women cheat because their relationships aren't what they used to be. Once you realize this, three questions must be asked, 1) What emotional or relational needs are not being met in our relationship? 2) What can we do together to strengthen these vulnerabilities? 3) What can we do together to regain mutual trust?

Cheating, no matter who does it, is a poor and selfish response to emotional void. It is not a necessary evil, nor does it have to cause irreparable harm. If you are committed to being with only one person, monogamy is possible. Even if one or both of you stumbles, you can--if both of you are willing--rebuild again.

PS--In cases of emotional or sexual infidelity, professional counseling recommended.

For a man's perspective check out:
http://artofmanliness.com/2008/03/13/14-ways-to-affair-proof-your-marriage/