A More Urgent Note on Fashion: Ladies

WHEEEP! WHEEEP! WHEEEP!
THIS IS A GIRL TALK WARNING. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. MALE READERS BE WARNED.

This is the kind of advice that should absolutely be heeded. Under no circumstances should this advice be ignored. Too often people walk around looking foolish because they don't use simple fashion sense. Well, someone has to rescue the masses. Might as well be me . . . I apologize in advance to all the soon to be former male readers of this blog.

Ladies first:

1. Avoid panty lines! This can be achieved either by . . . oh, I don't know, not wearing skin tight pants and skirts. Seeing as the only people that kind of clothing will attract are those who are more interested in you out of your clothes than in them. But if you absolutely have to vacuum pack your legs into a pair of cotton-spandex skinny jeans, by all means, WEAR A THONG.
   
2. Keep it under wraps! Ladies, visible underwear isn't hot. I don't care if it's a new thong or a matching set that compliments your outfit. It isn't sexy, it's sleazy, so lose it. Not the underwear--the view. I learned this the hard way. I bought a belt. Belts make great accessories, so invest in one already.
   
3. Keep them in check. Boobs can be great assets. What girl doesn't want a few curves? But what makes clothing attractive, isn't what it reveals, but what it hides. Your boobs should be one of those things. While there is a time and place for a little cleavage, that time and place is not in your everyday life. So keep 'em covered. You don't have to wear a nun's habit, and wide scooping necklines as well as V-necks can be a flattering fashion move for the heavily endowed. But that isn't clearance to share the view. If you think a dress or top might dip a little too low, minimize exposure with a tank top that offers support. Make sure it's pulled up as high as it needs to be, and that it will stay there. Or, if you want to take a more sultry route, invest in some lace you can clip across the top of your bra.
   
4. Avoid butt cleavage! Need I say more? It's called a belt people!
5. One at a Time. It's fun to flaunt what you got (within reason), but flaunt it all at once and you'll look more like a street walker than a an elegant princess. If you want to show off a little cleavage (I advise settling for cleavage shadow, instead of actual exposure. It's just as sexy and a lot more classy.) than do so, but make sure your legs are covered (and by that I don't mean vacuum packed into a pair of skinny jeans). If you have great legs, wear a shorter skirt, but make sure your top half is completely covered. Other alluring assets include a smooth back, or exposed shoulder. Just remember, to walk the fine line between sexy and sleazy, always display assets one at a time.
   
6. Wear a Bra! Honestly, it should not be necessary to remind any girl of this past the sixth grade. But all to often girls are willing to parade around in public in otherwise modest clothing without a bra. It's not cute girls. You need the coverage. You need the support. Grow. Up.
   
7. Keep it classy. There's classy and there's crude. Even if you have the legs of a goddess there is such a thing as too short. If we can see butt cheeks, you have reached (and surpassed) that magical length. Time to let out the hem. Or...I don't know, trying buying something that covers your rear?
   
8. No hooker heals. If it's already three inches from the toe pad up, it doesn't need a platform , especially if it's open toed or a lace up boot (you might be able to get away with this if your platform is 3/4inches or lower). Really now... Oh yeah, and if you buy them, make sure you can walk in them. Weebles are the only things made to wobble. So try not to resemble one when you're debuting your new shoes.
   
9. Skirts need delicate shoes. Even if it's just a flip flop. The whole sneaker with skirt thing is tough to navigate, and should be completely avoided if you aren't prepared for the fashion risk. Also (in my personal opinion), unless it's a sarong on the beach, skirts longer than the knee should be accompanied by shoes with at least a half inch of height.
   
10. Dress for your body type. There is little excuse for not heeding this piece of advice. There are thousands of guide books out there (I am personally a fan of Susanna and Trinny's "What Not to Wear"), and if all else fails you can always count on your one truly honest girl friend to give you the thumbs down when you need it. But if you are totally clueless, here are some basic guidelines:
    

• 1) If you have a lot of bust wear open necklines. Expose as much skin as possible between your chin and chest while still being modest. Avoid double breasted jackets. Or jackets with much fuss at all.
  
• 2) If you're flat or small chested the reverse applies. High necklines are what you need. But feel free to wear any jacket or shirt, no matter how embellished or fussy. You'll look great, and sweaters are your friend.
  
• 3) If you have wide hips or thunder thighs balance them out with flair leg or boot-cut pants. Become friends with the A-line skirt.
  
• 4) If you have a long waist or short legs wear pants that go all the way to the ground and cover most of your shoe. Then break up your torso with layers.
  
• 5) If you weren't blessed with a waist, manufacture it with waisted or cinched in tops and jackets. Look for things that embellish or add size in the shoulder/bust or hip areas. Like a square shouldered, wide labeled long jacket, because the waist will be diminish by the hourglass shape of the coat.
  
• 6) Large rears are a blessing if they're high and round, so show it off in pants that fit. But remember to always go low waisted (at least with pants). Bands of fabric above the rear will trick the eye into thinking it's a lot longer than it really is. Pencil skirts are great inventions.
  
• 7) Hefty arms need sleeves of 3/4 or full length. Cap sleeves and spaghetti straps are an absolute no-no.
  
• 8) Broad shoulders (unaccompanied by equally broad hips) need wide skirts and flared pants. It balances the equation. Also avoid sling shoulders or overly fussy sleeves.
  
• 9) Short necks need delicate necklaces that at least hit the collarbone. Chandelier earrings are your friend.
  

Never wear . . .

1. unisex polo shirts
2. unfitted jeans/un-fitting pants
   
3. clothing with holes or stains
4. see through anything
5. boots with mini-skirts
6. tops or pants with cutaways (peepholes belong in shoes)
   
7. poor colors for you skin tone (use your friends or a color guide to help you figure out what colors are best for you. If you're Black you can wear nearly anything)