Open Mouth, Insert Foot: A Story

It was the last day before the end of summer vacation. Jayme and her friends, Beetle, Daren, Phe, and Nolan were hanging out in the park. They were sitting at a picnic bench, contemplating science and the many chinks in the armor of capitalism when out of nowhere, someone spotted a Venus lookalike! Venus was Beetle's ex-girlfriend, and even though it had been some time, things were still pretty tense between them.

"She's still mad at me." Beetle said.
"Are you still mad at her?" Jayme asked.
"I'm not mad." Beetle replied.
"But have you forgiven her?" asked Jayme.
"How can I forgive her if she won't talk to me?" Beetle shrugged, running his fingers over the top of his buzz cut.
"You can forgive her in your heart." that was Daren.

And while the conversation was basically positive, the subject was one surrounded by emotional scar tissue. Soon the conversation dropped off, and an awkward silence prevailed only to be broken when an adorable little brown turtle crawled across the picnic table. Beetle loved turtles.

Later that night the group left the park for a Subway run. Looking for a place to eat they all piled into their respective vehicles and headed off to Daren's house. Daren had recently completed a youth tour of the Amazon rain forest and called all his friends to his desktop to look at his slideshow of pictures.

Daren was called away by his family (likely to solve a plumbing emergency), but Beetle happily took the mouse and lead the slideshow without him. While the group laughed over pictures and made jokes about the usual things, snake repellent, and the products of nuclear thought, Jayme gazed at the pictures. Everyone looked to be having so much fun when suddenly . . .

"Hey!" Jayme exclaimed, "From the back that girl looks exactly like Venus!"
Silence.
Shoot.

Anniversaries

Disclaimer: Contrary to popular belief, or the beliefs of any particular reader, the majority of the fashion advice in the previous three blogs was not aimed at any one particular person. I divide my criticisms more evenly than that. :)

So . . . yesterday my significant other and I passed the great milestone of one month. Ooooo... Wondrous isn't it? Not really. But hopefully sometime in the future we'll have a milestone worth celebrating. I was thinking about the concept of anniversaries and honestly it puzzles me. Firstly, in the context of teenage dating relationships it seems rather trivial to to celebrate each month. I mean, magazines come every month, so do full moons, cell phone bills, and announcements that water has been found on Mars. Not much to throw a party over :-| . . .

But an anniversary should be something special right? So why celebrate it with such frequency that it loses it's significance and you are lulled into the belief that you and your "other" are a lot more steadfast than you actually are ("We've been together for three whole months!! *insert sappy smile*" Puh-lease. So were *insert name of celebrity couple here*). I also don't think anniversaries count if you had to date on and off to get there. I find it rather ridiculous when I here about couples who gush about how they've been together for six months, when every other weekend of those months they were broken up. Try dating consistently for a while and then you can start counting (or maybe you should be asking yourself why you're braking up so frequently in the first place).

I do believe, however, that the first month could be a very legitimately special event for some couples. It's like you've upped the denominations. Instead of talking about days or weeks you can talk months. And what girl doesn't like keeping track of how long she's been attached to her latest beau? In my personal opinion (not that I have any great experience or basis for this at all), I think six month anniversaries are real and appropriate milestones, and worth the energy of celebration for any unmarried couple (Like on that sitcom, "Yep! We're headed up to the big ol' five point five (5.5)!").

But if you don't think your relationship can last six months (or even three or four), why are you even bothering to count? In fact, why are you dating? Either date casually and get to know different people, or get serious and stick with one person through thick and thin until you've reached the duration of the relationship. But ladies, don't you think the whole two week (or two month) boyfriend is something you should've left behind by now (try ninth grade...at latest)? Later saying "We made it for a whole two and a half months!" is going to sound really silly, and not much like anything worth bragging about.

In closing: *a-hem* . . . I'd be lying if I said I wasn't even a little bit giddy about the fact that my boyfriend and I have been together a whole month. Insignificant as it may be. It always feels like a much bigger deal when it's you :).

A More Urgent Note on Fashion: Gentlemen

Everyday I see the same mistakes being made by otherwise kind and dignified young men. Like it not guys, your general appearance can make the difference between "Sure!" and "I'm going with friends." Even if you already have a significant other, you can be sure she'll appreciate any effort you make to dress better. Don't care about 'significant others'? Well what about respect? Dressing respectably can go a long way towards procuring the respect you deserve. So here are a few rules to be followed. Note that I said "rules", and not "tips". If you're not already doing these things, start now.

1. Wear a belt. In the first blog of this fashion mini-series I noted the importance of wearing a belt whenever your shirt is tucked in. But I'm going to expand that to anytime you are wearing pants (even if your shirt covers it). Because guys pants are so often cut to be somewhat baggy, what fit this morning may expand by the afternoon. And if it was already falling off your hips you're setting up innocent bystanders to view one crescent moon they never wanted to see. That aside, the top half of your boxers is only a slightly less nauseating alternative. Some girls find boxer waistbands sexy. But when they say "waistband", they really do mean the waistband. We're not interested in a wide shot of your flaming chili peppers, miniature hearts, race cars, or the pair with the holly berries you got for Christmas.
2. Don't Wear Clothes with Holes or Stains. Unfortunately some guys still need to be told that holes and stains aren't classy. I don't care if you just came from working in the yard or how chill your mother is. If you're leaving the boundaries of your own property (or stepping outside the house for that matter), change your clothes.
3. Wear Clean Clothes. And by clean we do not mean it was at the top of your hamper. If you've worn it more than twice, it's time to wash it. B.O. and dirty laundry aren't attractive. So grow up. And don't use the excuse of "there was nothing else clean". Circulate your loads like the rest of adult society. Your mom and sister have been doing it for years.
4. Take a shower. I'm not even sure why I should have to write this. I just know there are some guys who either don't have the will or common sense to heed this rule. But you stink. So jump in the shower and clean up. And when you get out, use some hygiene sense and put on deodorant--for everyone's sake.
   
5. Make sure your pants settle on the tops of your shoes. This is a personal pet peeve of mine. Call me superficial, but few things strike me as more un-classy than high water pants.
6. Own a suit. You're a big boy now, so dress like it. Having a suit of your own ensures it fits, and gives you something to wear on formal dates, to weddings, at church, banquets and proms, and some kinds of job interviews. Not to mention you can split up the pants and jacket and wear as needed.
   
7. Own at least one pair of dress shoes. Sure they might be uncomfortable, but that suit won't look very good with your grubby tennis shoes. And the 'suits-with-kicks' look only works in some settings. Even if you only wear them once a year, buy them anyway. Think of it as a doorway to manhood. Aren't guys always saying "no pain, no gain"?
8. Know How to Tie a Tie. You tie your own shoes don't you?
   
9. Wear Clothing Your Size. Wearing clothing that's sized too big makes you look suspicious, and wearing clothing that's too small looks like you think you're all that and a bag o' chips. Even the most muscled guys shouldn't overdo it. If you look like your trying to show off, the point is null.
   
10. Don't wear a lot of prints. I don't have any great fashion science behind this rule. I've just noticed that on a whole, guys who experiment further than the traditional bi-color stripe, solid, and monotone plaid just don't look quite... well they lose points. So just avoid it.
    

Six Things that Will Make You Instantly More Attractive:

1. Keep your hair cut. If you're growing it out, than do so, but keep a hat around, or work out some alternate hair style until your hair grows out past that awkward mid-length.
   
2. Shave. Facial hair may be manly, but if you can't grow a full beard (and maybe even if you can), your clean shaven face will be a lot more attractive than the whole stubble, peach fuzz, hair-in-every-direction look.
   
3. Wear unwrinkled clothes. Even if it's fresh out of the wash, if it's wrinkled, you'll look unkempt.
   
4. Take care of your face. Everyone has acne. But it won't get better by ignoring it. Unless you have really severe acne, pimples can be diminished for the most part by simply washing your face twice a day (perhaps with a skincare scrub or foam), keeping your pillow case fresh (pillow cases should probably be changed every ten days, or one to two weeks), and your hair as greaseless as possible.
   
5. Stand up straight. Slouchers aren't attractive. They look small, timid, and weak. The more confident you look, the more attractive you'll be to the opposite gender, and the more respect you'll garner with your peers and employers.
   
6. Work out. A little time in the gym never hurt any--oh wait, it did. But overall it's still probably worth it. There are some things that are genetic and will never change, but a balanced work out routine (that means one that works on muscles all over, not just your upper body or core), can go a long way towards making you stronger, and thus more attractive.

A More Urgent Note on Fashion: Ladies

WHEEEP! WHEEEP! WHEEEP!
THIS IS A GIRL TALK WARNING. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. MALE READERS BE WARNED.

This is the kind of advice that should absolutely be heeded. Under no circumstances should this advice be ignored. Too often people walk around looking foolish because they don't use simple fashion sense. Well, someone has to rescue the masses. Might as well be me . . . I apologize in advance to all the soon to be former male readers of this blog.

Ladies first:

1. Avoid panty lines! This can be achieved either by . . . oh, I don't know, not wearing skin tight pants and skirts. Seeing as the only people that kind of clothing will attract are those who are more interested in you out of your clothes than in them. But if you absolutely have to vacuum pack your legs into a pair of cotton-spandex skinny jeans, by all means, WEAR A THONG.
   
2. Keep it under wraps! Ladies, visible underwear isn't hot. I don't care if it's a new thong or a matching set that compliments your outfit. It isn't sexy, it's sleazy, so lose it. Not the underwear--the view. I learned this the hard way. I bought a belt. Belts make great accessories, so invest in one already.
   
3. Keep them in check. Boobs can be great assets. What girl doesn't want a few curves? But what makes clothing attractive, isn't what it reveals, but what it hides. Your boobs should be one of those things. While there is a time and place for a little cleavage, that time and place is not in your everyday life. So keep 'em covered. You don't have to wear a nun's habit, and wide scooping necklines as well as V-necks can be a flattering fashion move for the heavily endowed. But that isn't clearance to share the view. If you think a dress or top might dip a little too low, minimize exposure with a tank top that offers support. Make sure it's pulled up as high as it needs to be, and that it will stay there. Or, if you want to take a more sultry route, invest in some lace you can clip across the top of your bra.
   
4. Avoid butt cleavage! Need I say more? It's called a belt people!
5. One at a Time. It's fun to flaunt what you got (within reason), but flaunt it all at once and you'll look more like a street walker than a an elegant princess. If you want to show off a little cleavage (I advise settling for cleavage shadow, instead of actual exposure. It's just as sexy and a lot more classy.) than do so, but make sure your legs are covered (and by that I don't mean vacuum packed into a pair of skinny jeans). If you have great legs, wear a shorter skirt, but make sure your top half is completely covered. Other alluring assets include a smooth back, or exposed shoulder. Just remember, to walk the fine line between sexy and sleazy, always display assets one at a time.
   
6. Wear a Bra! Honestly, it should not be necessary to remind any girl of this past the sixth grade. But all to often girls are willing to parade around in public in otherwise modest clothing without a bra. It's not cute girls. You need the coverage. You need the support. Grow. Up.
   
7. Keep it classy. There's classy and there's crude. Even if you have the legs of a goddess there is such a thing as too short. If we can see butt cheeks, you have reached (and surpassed) that magical length. Time to let out the hem. Or...I don't know, trying buying something that covers your rear?
   
8. No hooker heals. If it's already three inches from the toe pad up, it doesn't need a platform , especially if it's open toed or a lace up boot (you might be able to get away with this if your platform is 3/4inches or lower). Really now... Oh yeah, and if you buy them, make sure you can walk in them. Weebles are the only things made to wobble. So try not to resemble one when you're debuting your new shoes.
   
9. Skirts need delicate shoes. Even if it's just a flip flop. The whole sneaker with skirt thing is tough to navigate, and should be completely avoided if you aren't prepared for the fashion risk. Also (in my personal opinion), unless it's a sarong on the beach, skirts longer than the knee should be accompanied by shoes with at least a half inch of height.
   
10. Dress for your body type. There is little excuse for not heeding this piece of advice. There are thousands of guide books out there (I am personally a fan of Susanna and Trinny's "What Not to Wear"), and if all else fails you can always count on your one truly honest girl friend to give you the thumbs down when you need it. But if you are totally clueless, here are some basic guidelines:
    

• 1) If you have a lot of bust wear open necklines. Expose as much skin as possible between your chin and chest while still being modest. Avoid double breasted jackets. Or jackets with much fuss at all.
  
• 2) If you're flat or small chested the reverse applies. High necklines are what you need. But feel free to wear any jacket or shirt, no matter how embellished or fussy. You'll look great, and sweaters are your friend.
  
• 3) If you have wide hips or thunder thighs balance them out with flair leg or boot-cut pants. Become friends with the A-line skirt.
  
• 4) If you have a long waist or short legs wear pants that go all the way to the ground and cover most of your shoe. Then break up your torso with layers.
  
• 5) If you weren't blessed with a waist, manufacture it with waisted or cinched in tops and jackets. Look for things that embellish or add size in the shoulder/bust or hip areas. Like a square shouldered, wide labeled long jacket, because the waist will be diminish by the hourglass shape of the coat.
  
• 6) Large rears are a blessing if they're high and round, so show it off in pants that fit. But remember to always go low waisted (at least with pants). Bands of fabric above the rear will trick the eye into thinking it's a lot longer than it really is. Pencil skirts are great inventions.
  
• 7) Hefty arms need sleeves of 3/4 or full length. Cap sleeves and spaghetti straps are an absolute no-no.
  
• 8) Broad shoulders (unaccompanied by equally broad hips) need wide skirts and flared pants. It balances the equation. Also avoid sling shoulders or overly fussy sleeves.
  
• 9) Short necks need delicate necklaces that at least hit the collarbone. Chandelier earrings are your friend.
  

Never wear . . .

1. unisex polo shirts
2. unfitted jeans/un-fitting pants
   
3. clothing with holes or stains
4. see through anything
5. boots with mini-skirts
6. tops or pants with cutaways (peepholes belong in shoes)
   
7. poor colors for you skin tone (use your friends or a color guide to help you figure out what colors are best for you. If you're Black you can wear nearly anything)

A Note on Fashion

This is the kind of advice that probably shouldn't be spoken, because it isn't important enough to mention. It's the kind of advice that if people get a hold of, will save them appearance.

First, for the girls:

1. ALWAYS CHECK YOURSELF ON YOUR WAY OUT THE DOOR. This will save you lots of fashion grief. Whether it be from panty lines, an out of place lock of hair, or mascara streaks on your face, you'll only catch it if you do a full 360 in a full length mirror.
   
2. Always check your hair before you walk out the door. If you do your hair directly after coming out of the shower, then you put on your clothes, apply makeup and leave for school/work, you are in danger of walking out the door with tee shirt head. It's not major. And unlike bed-head you're unlikely to draw very many strange looks. Just as long as you don't take any pictures . . .
   
3. Never wear red clothes and pink lip stick. It just clashes. Now a pink gloss is likely to be so neutral it won't really clash at all. What I'm talking about is pink, opaque, lip color with candy apple red clothing. It's gross. Don't do it.
   
4. On a broader note, make sure all your makeup matches your clothes. The best way to do that is to go neutral, but if you have to have color, make sure you're wearing your clothes for the day before you apply your makeup. Stay away from color mines and hard to pull off combinations, like orange eye shadow and green clothing, or tones that are too close like blue and purple. Unless you think you're just the fashionista to pull it all together.
5. Don't wear socks that come too high above your shoes. You probably won't lose friends over this, but it's a big enough deal to make any fashion conscience person cringe. Some people don't like the feeling of their shoes chafing their ankles. That's fine. Ultra-low and no-show socks aren't for everyone (though they are for most). But if you have to wear an outfit (dress, shirt, shorts...) that shows off your ankles, ditch the folded over tubes, and mid-length socks. Ankle socks are tolerable. Knee socks are also a good alternative, but never with shorts, and make sure the skirt they're worn with has volume and length or it may look out of place or sleazy.
   

And for the boys:

1. Cut your hair! Okay, so maybe this one is worth mentioning. It's one of the larger of the minor offenses. Too often when guys get their hair cut short either for summer or for their sports season, they don't keep it up. They let it get shaggy when the season is over and soon it starts looking long and unkempt. Now some guys can pull off the shaggy look. Most should simply cut their hair or find some interim way of keeping it (hats are always good) until it grows out past the ever gag-worthy mullet length.
   
2. Shave your face! Unless you can grow a full beard (and perhaps even if you can), you should spare the world your werewolf mornings and keep your face clean shaven. You aren't a mountain man, and the whole messy, prickly, peach fuzz look isn't attractive. If you must grow facial hair, keep a well trimmed goatee. Soul patches are controversial... And hey, most girls prefer clean faces on younger guys anyway.
   
3. Don't wear socks that come too high above your shoes. Yep, this piece of advice is even more crucial for you than for the girls. Ultra-low and no-show socks aren't for everyone (though they are for most). But again, if you have to wear shorts, at least wear ankle socks, ditch the tubes, and mid-lengths, and make sure they're the right color for goodness sake. Also, knee socks and shorts are a hard look to pull off. Do yourself a favor and save them for the sports arena.
   
4. Once you've committed to a hat, don't take it off. At least, not in front of people. Wait till you can hit the bathroom with a comb. That way you can make smooth transition. Your close friends and family will take you as you are, but the general public isn't so kind, so spare yourself (and everyone else) the hat-head, and just leave it on.
   
5. If you decide to tuck in your shirt, wear a belt. Nice try, but the display of bare belt-loops is enough to squelch any dignity your were trying to achieve by tucking in the tails. So make up your mind, in or out? (And don't waste time trying to negotiate the whole half-tuck/quarter-tuck thing.) But if you decide to go business, please wear a belt.
   
6. Don't wear socks with sandals. It just doesn't work. If you need your foot covered, cover it with a shoe. The purpose of the sock is to be a barrier between your foot and shoe, not to be some kind of woolly accessory to your Birkenstocks.

In conclusion, everything said above is simple. It doesn't take a genius, or a large budget to look that much nicer. Not to mention most of the things on this list are semi-pet peeves of mine ;).
So start now.

A Lesson From High School

High School: the second information superhighway.

If there's one thing I've learned from high school it's that news travels. Even if you only tell your trusted friends, even if you never actually tell anyone at all. Somehow, whatever it is that you are trying to keep under wraps, for whatever purpose, will get out, and sooner than you think. You see, I've had some news recently. Good news, but not the kind of news that I really wanted my entire high school in on. Sometimes people just want to get used to situations before the entire world decides it's their prerogative to weigh in. But there's already been a leak in the system, which is why I'm even talking about it at all. But I'm not going to drop the bomb until the whole can of beans is completely spilled. As it is, this post is probably hint enough, but I digress...

See, there are certain friends I just have to tell when things happen in my life. All of them can be counted on to be the paragon of discretion, so I must admit to no small amount of confusion that my news has leaked. They are the only ones who know (that and my pastor, but who's he going to tell??). Or rather knew. I soon realized my bubble of privacy was popped when I received a MySpace message from a most unlikely friend. He was inquiring about my news, and I promptly confirmed with a question of how he knew.

How?? How is it that as soon as you shove a few hundred teenagers into the same social and academic sphere any new fact concerning any part of the teenagers' lives becomes instant news and spreads like wildfire? How is it that even if you don't tell anyone about anything somehow people manage to ferret out the info? And why are teenagers so obsessed with any piece of juicy info they can get on other teenagers?

That said, my news isn't all over the social network yet. And it's not like I'm hiding anything. I'm just surprised that it has gotten as far as it has.

I Got a Cell Phone!!

So, this isn't really relevant to anything, but I just got my own cell phone!! Aaaugh!!!

It's exciting, because usually my parents are ones to go for the things that most people consider normal for the average teenager. For instance, they aren't rushed to see me get my license (and trust me, I've tried to rush them), even though I'm a senior in high school, and they weren't in a big hurry to extend my curfew as I got older, though I will say that they have been reasonable on this point (11-12:30pm depending on the circumstances). So I was a little surprised when it took very little cajoling to get them to open up to the idea of a cell phone.

See, I have more of a social life than either of my sisters. One of them didn't really get out much on the weekends, and then when she went to boarding academy weekends out weren't really an option anyway. The other sister did most of her hanging out at people's houses. My friends, however, like to do a lot a roaming. We may initially meet at a park, then decide to go out to eat, then eventually crash at someone's house (whoever can take us all at the shortest notice). I was always borrowing my dad's phone so that I could check in with my parents about our plans, change of location, etc. But that was troublesome because that meant I couldn't call my dad. And he was the one with the most reliable phone anyway, which is why I borrowed it. See a problem here?

Well, circumstances changed and my parents saw the opportunity to get me on a family plan. I'm with Sprint now with unlimited texting (hint-hint). It's great. And while I mostly have the minutes to contact my parents, it will make it a lot easier to contact friends as well. And I'm almost completely certain I won't have any problems with burning through my minutes. I have a friend on a plan with fewer minutes per person, and she never goes over.

Anyway, I'm really excited. It's just one more step towards independence. :P