Talking Tough

It's a dilemma so many girls have to deal with. It starts out as an innocent gesture. First he lays his hand on you waist. His other hand clasps yours. But then his hands start to drift... it was all so simple, till he started getting a little more--ahem--affectionate than you bargained on. You don't want to upset him by shoving him off like he's some kind of molester. So you murmur a quiet word, or move his hands for him, anything to ease the situation with as little conflict as possible.

This might work as a quick fix. Some guys will simply shrug, "Oops, my bad," and drop an apologetic smile as their hands shift to more appropriate position. But sometimes he doesn't see things the same way. Maybe he mopes, becomes sullen and withdraws all physical affection. Or perhaps he gets mad and huffy. So what do you do? How do you keep your guy treating you more like a princess and less like a lounge chair?

Well, it's not easy. I'll say that much. Eventually what it comes down to is how much you respect each other. Do you respect him enough to speak calmly and plainly with him when problems arise. Does he respect you enough to respect your wishes?

But how do you make your wishes known? Truth: I'm not sure. But I have some suggestions.

1. Determine the nature of the contact. Is it accidental? Situational? Intentional? Don't jump to conclusions. It's usually best to give guy's the benefit of the doubt on the first offense, unless he does tings to make it obvious that he's being deliberate--such as looking at the area he's touching.
2. Try the most subtle form of redirection, such as gently moving his hands to a more appropriate location. If the problem is situational, try saying something like, "Hey, when you hold me like this gravity tends to bring your hand towards my _(bank)_. If we try moving like..."
3. If incidents persist, ask him if he could "be careful." I'd try going about it something like this: "I know that when we're close accidents can happen, and I don't want to make a big deal of this, but could you be a little more careful about your hands?" OR "Since I know our boundaries are as important to you as they are to me, would you please be a little more cautious so we don't have any awkward accidents?"
4. If this doesn't work then it's time to be more direct. Tell it like it is, "Would you please take your hands off my _(blank)_." Also appropriate would be phrases like, "I need you to respect my boundaries," and "Please stop touching me inappropriately." These are strong statements that many girls choose to reserve for guys they feel are "predators," "players," or "perverts." But they're also appropriate for any guy who, after being requested, continues to violate explicit, or even implicit boundaries of a girl. Even if you never said he shouldn't, actions like touching a girl's boobs, butt, or nether regions is universally inappropriate. A girl has every right to be firm and assertive in that situation.
5. After this it may be necessary to withdraw from physical contact to make your point clear. It's important that a girl realizes that her body is her own, and communicates to her boyfriend that touching her is privilege, which can be revoked if that privilege is not respected.
   

But how do you know when to be more firm? If he's a respectful guy who truly just makes mistakes once in a while (say once a month or less) then he'll probably correct the mistake himself. But watch the frequency. A guy might slip twice in evening, but he shouldn't slip twice every evening. Once a week, or even once every ten days is too often for more than the most innocent accidental brushes. If you pay attention to the timing you should be able to figure out whether you and your guy need to have serious chat.

Don't hesitate to ask your girl friends what they think either. Sometimes your friends, who are outside of your relationship, will have a better perspective on the nature of a guy and his actions than someone who is biased by strong emotional attachment.

So what do you think of this advice? Anything that should be added? Comment