- DON'T FORGET: Even if this means you have to invest in a calender, or enter it into your cell phone, DO IT! If you're lucky, you'll be with the kind of girl who won't decapitate you for not remembering every little date (held hands: April 17, 8:47pm, kissed: June 6, 9:48pm, went to first foreign film September 9...). But even if she's easy going, it will mean a lot to her that your relationship with her is important enough to you to remember. Anniversaries are important because the longer you are together the more serious the relationship is. It's also a way to mark all the good times you've had. And it's an opportunity to show her how special she is to you.
- REMEMBER THE BIG ONES: My personal rule when it comes to defining the "big ones" (for relationships under year) is the 1-3-6 rule. The first month of dating is always significant because you've changed units of counting. It's no longer "we've been dating for three and a half weeks", it's "we've been dating for months". Three months is when a relationship can begin to be considered serious (at least for a high schoolers). It's assumed that if you've made it three months you'll at least make it another three, maybe even a year (excluding the presence of great drama throughout). Six months is a big deal because you're half way to your next big unit of counting (unless some strange soul out there uses quarters): the YEAR. It's a huge halfway mark. A simple "Happy Anniversary" and a hug might suffice for all the others (2-5, 7-11). But even then, a card might be nice.
- LET HER KNOW YOU REMEMBER: Even if she knows you thought about it, she still needs to hear you say "Happy Anniversary". She needs to hear you acknowledge it to her. Even if it's on the phone. And if it's a big one, do something special. Go out to dinner, make her dinner (not before six months), give her flowers, get her a stuffed animal, get her something associated with her favorite band, artist, hobby, sport, or author. Make it special by reminding her she's special.
- IF YOU DON'T HAVE A CLUE WHAT DO TO FOR HER... ask her! This doesn't mean that you ask her what animal and what kinds of flowers she likes, and then go out and purchase those exact things for her. This will make her feel like an obligation, which for some girls is worse than nothing. This means you approach her with a question like, "So our anniversary is coming up... I think it would be fun to do something together. Do you have any feelings about what we should do?" This way, instead of looking completely clueless, you look like you're merely getting her imput. You've also let her know that you've been thinking about the date and want it to be special. You may end up doing exactly what she suggested. That's okay, as long as you tell her ("You're right, bowling sounds great. Let's do that."), and you supplement it with something original. Don't panic, "original" can include a bouquet (big or small) of her favorite flowers, plush toy, or funny card. Just as long as she knows you did some thinking on your own.
- IF YOU DO FORGET...acknowledge it. Let her know you forgot or got distracted, or whatever. Apologize, and then do something anyway. It will mean a lot to her that you bothered to make it up. If she's gracious, she'll give you a second chance without putting you in the dog house (as long as you don't make a habit of it).
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Anniversaries: 5 Things All Guy's Should Know
If you're in a serious relationship with a girl, there are five things about anniversaries YOU MUST KNOW. Let's define "serious" as a relationship lasting three months or more. By the time you've passed this magical threshold, you should be keeping track of, and acknowledging your monthly anniversaries. How do you do that? Well here's a crash course.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Kissing!
Kiss–verb (used with object)
(http://dictionary.reference.com)
Have you ever really thought about kissing? No, I don't mean who you'd like to kiss. I mean the act itself. It's not as simple as one might think. When I started researching for this blog (No, it's not like you think, most of it was on sites like Webster, so get your mind out the gutter already!:) I got a little overwhelmed. So I decided to break it down by making a list of all the different kinds of kisses there are (excluding the totally disgusting/un-kosher/strange). Without getting too in depth, here are the top ten:
It's a pretty long list for just covering the basics. One has to wonder about what it all means. So, because I'm bored, girly, and bored I decided to do a classic magazine analysis of the topic. First let's assume that the two people doing the kissing are in a (at least dating) relationship and within an appropriate age range. Yes? Okay. Now I'm going to go through my sultry little list item by item and address four things:
a) Time
b) Intensity
c) Setting
d) Message
Ready? Okay.
1. Hand kiss (a kiss on the back of the hand)
a) There's no standard length of time for this kiss, but like most, the longer it lasts, the more intimate it becomes. But after about 3 seconds it becomes awkward.
b) Depends on the length of the kiss, but for the most part the is a low pressure, low intensity kiss. But the intensity factor is upped by the fact that this style of kiss is rather vintage and thus comes off as chivalrous and romantic.
c) This type of kiss can take place anywhere, if it's brief enough. In a crowd, in private, as long as it's not made terribly obvious (say at a get-together with only a few friends) it's appropriate almost anywhere.
d) "I adore you", "You're a queen", "Goodbye", "I have a cold sore"
2. Palm kiss (a kiss in the palm of the hand)
a) Again, less than three seconds is a pretty good estimate...
b) Waaaaay intense (especially if it lasts a whole three seconds). This is the kind of kiss you shouldn't expect (or give) until you've been dating the same person exclusively for at least a month or two. It's almost more intimate than some of its more, ahem, face-oriented cousins.
c) Definitely not in front of people. While, like the traditional hand kiss, it is perfectly appropriate in public (and by 'public' I mean in open areas occupied primarily by strangers), like most kisses (and as a general rule), it should not take place in front of friends.
d) "I adore you", "I love you", "I want you (a departure from the more traditional hand kiss)", "Still got that darned cold sore"
3. Cheek kiss (a kiss on the cheek)
a) Three second rule!
b) Depends on the length. But if it's just a quickie, it doesn't necessarily have to be a life altering moment.
c) This is one of the few kisses, that if discreet, can take place in front of friends. Otherwise...your location is up to you...
d) "You're sweet (girl to boy)", "I'm comfortable with you (boy to girl)", "I like you", "I love you", "Goodbye"
4. Forehead kiss (a kiss on the forehead)
a) Three second rule (It's a good general rule).
b) Low intensity. It's not particularly intimate, but it's sweet. Keep in mind, however, that it's also the kind of kiss a brother might give a little sister.
c) Anywhere. Public, private, unless you're friends are really immature (or you violate that 3 second rule) you should be fine with this just about anywhere.
d) "You're sweet", "We're friends", "I like you", "I love you", "Goodbye"
5. Neck kiss (not to be confused with necking)
a) 2 second rule. Why the shortened time? Because a kiss on the neck is more inmate than almost any other kiss on this list. Stretch it much longer and one risks sending the wrong message.
b) Very. Intense. It's not the kind of kiss you should share until you've been dating exclusively for at least five or six months.
c) Definitely in private. Or...you know... "public". But if you're going to be conspicuous about it, by all means, spare the public as well. And if you receive this kiss (or any of the subsequent kisses on the list) in the back seat of his car, consider immediately seeking out alternate transportation. (IOW: Exit. NOW.)
d) It depends, is he in front of you, behind you, or next to you? If he's in front of you the message is definitely "I want you", which isn't altogether bad if the setting is innocent. If he's behind or beside you, you can assume it's at least partially a location of convenience, in which case the messages could include "I want you", as well as "I love you", "I really, really like you", "You're special to me", and "I'm glad you're mine"
6. Common kiss (the traditional lip-to-lip...and here's where it gets deep...)
A) The brush
a) By definition this kiss lasts less than a second.
b) Unless it's your first kiss this is pretty low-tense for the lip-to-lip variety snog.
c) This is one of those kisses that is fine in both "public" and private, but should probably not be done in front of friends (unless you're like, engaged or something--in which case, why are you reading this??)
d) "I like you", "I love you", "Goodbye"
B) The peck
a) Again, by definition, this kiss lasts less than a second.
b) Unless this is your first kiss, this is a pretty low-grade kind of kiss. Sweet, but not too intense.
c) This kiss is appropriate in public or private, but should be avoided in front of friends.
d) Most commonly: "Goodbye", but also used generally for "I love you"
C) The half-french (no tongue)
a) 2 second rule--otherwise the chance of this becoming a real French kiss is verrrrry high.
b) Very intense. The most intense of the non-French kisses.
c) Private. Always. Because of its intensity this is one of those kisses the public should be graciously spared.
d) "I want you!!!" ..."Oh yeah, and I kinda love ya too..."
D) The smacker
a) 2 second rule helps exclude most of the grossness factor.
b) Intense. Sort of a "smack in the middle" kind of kiss as far as intensity goes.
c) Quick enough to pass in public, but generally should be kept in private.
d) "I love you", "Goodbye"
7. French kiss ('nuff said)
a) "How much time do we have?"
b) On a scale of 1-10 it is my personal opinion that this ranks at about a conservative 33.5.
c) Keep it behind closed doors, please! We don't care what you do, or where you do it as long as it's not in front of us!
d) "I l--... I llllo-- aw shucks, who am I kidding? I want you, dang it!"
8. Breather (breathing or talking against one's cheek or lips)*
a) Time depends on the message... discretion is the key here.
b) Medium intensity. He could be trying to be romantic, it could be impulse, or he could be trying to tell you your jeans split.
c) Again, how discreet can you be? Just have some class and keep an eye on who's around.
d) Depends on what he says:) But the unspoken messages can consist of "I love you", "I adore you", "I'm trying to be quiet..."
9. Eskimo kiss (rubbing noses)*
a) Who knows, I think that except for the butterfly kiss this is one of the most awkward kisses there is (to watch). How long you do it depends on how soon it takes for someone to sneeze, but after about ten seconds you're really starting to enter uncharted territory...
b) Intensity: High.
c) Who cares, just don't do it in front of me. Eskimo "kissing" in a high traffic area is definitely not a favor to the public.
d) "I love you", "My face is cold", "I'm getting in touch with my inner Inuit"
10. Butterfly kiss (fluttering eyelashes on one's cheek)*
a) I don't know, where's your contact now?
b) Unless you're eight and your dad is tucking you into bed there is no reason for this to happen. In the context of a relationship, I frankly think this bypasses the intensity meter altogether and crosses straight over to weird.
c) I don't know, why are you even batting your eyes in the first place?
d) "I'm flirting", "I'm a really bad winker", "I'm in seizure and my eye won't stop twitching!"
So, now that I've completed my professional analysis... what do you think? Do you have any opinions about these types of kisses? Feel free to comment, agree, disagree, or add anything you think I've missed. Have fun :)
| 1. | to touch or press with the lips slightly pursed, and then often to part them and to emit a smacking sound, in an expression of affection, love, greeting, reverence, etc. |
Have you ever really thought about kissing? No, I don't mean who you'd like to kiss. I mean the act itself. It's not as simple as one might think. When I started researching for this blog (No, it's not like you think, most of it was on sites like Webster, so get your mind out the gutter already!:) I got a little overwhelmed. So I decided to break it down by making a list of all the different kinds of kisses there are (excluding the totally disgusting/un-kosher/strange). Without getting too in depth, here are the top ten:
- Hand kiss (a kiss on the back of the hand)
- Palm kiss (a kiss in the palm of the hand)
- Cheek kiss (a kiss on the cheek)
- Forehead kiss (a kiss on the forehead)
- Neck kiss (not to be confused with necking)
- Common kiss (the traditional lip-to-lip with its sub-genres of: a) the brush, b) the peck, c) the half-french (no tongue), and d) the smacker)
- French kiss ('nuff said)
- Breather (breathing/whispering against one's cheek or lips)*
- Eskimo kiss (rubbing noses)*
- Butterfly kiss (fluttering eyelashes on one's cheek)*
It's a pretty long list for just covering the basics. One has to wonder about what it all means. So, because I'm bored, girly, and bored I decided to do a classic magazine analysis of the topic. First let's assume that the two people doing the kissing are in a (at least dating) relationship and within an appropriate age range. Yes? Okay. Now I'm going to go through my sultry little list item by item and address four things:
a) Time
b) Intensity
c) Setting
d) Message
Ready? Okay.
1. Hand kiss (a kiss on the back of the hand)
a) There's no standard length of time for this kiss, but like most, the longer it lasts, the more intimate it becomes. But after about 3 seconds it becomes awkward.
b) Depends on the length of the kiss, but for the most part the is a low pressure, low intensity kiss. But the intensity factor is upped by the fact that this style of kiss is rather vintage and thus comes off as chivalrous and romantic.
c) This type of kiss can take place anywhere, if it's brief enough. In a crowd, in private, as long as it's not made terribly obvious (say at a get-together with only a few friends) it's appropriate almost anywhere.
d) "I adore you", "You're a queen", "Goodbye", "I have a cold sore"
2. Palm kiss (a kiss in the palm of the hand)
a) Again, less than three seconds is a pretty good estimate...
b) Waaaaay intense (especially if it lasts a whole three seconds). This is the kind of kiss you shouldn't expect (or give) until you've been dating the same person exclusively for at least a month or two. It's almost more intimate than some of its more, ahem, face-oriented cousins.
c) Definitely not in front of people. While, like the traditional hand kiss, it is perfectly appropriate in public (and by 'public' I mean in open areas occupied primarily by strangers), like most kisses (and as a general rule), it should not take place in front of friends.
d) "I adore you", "I love you", "I want you (a departure from the more traditional hand kiss)", "Still got that darned cold sore"
3. Cheek kiss (a kiss on the cheek)
a) Three second rule!
b) Depends on the length. But if it's just a quickie, it doesn't necessarily have to be a life altering moment.
c) This is one of the few kisses, that if discreet, can take place in front of friends. Otherwise...your location is up to you...
d) "You're sweet (girl to boy)", "I'm comfortable with you (boy to girl)", "I like you", "I love you", "Goodbye"
4. Forehead kiss (a kiss on the forehead)
a) Three second rule (It's a good general rule).
b) Low intensity. It's not particularly intimate, but it's sweet. Keep in mind, however, that it's also the kind of kiss a brother might give a little sister.
c) Anywhere. Public, private, unless you're friends are really immature (or you violate that 3 second rule) you should be fine with this just about anywhere.
d) "You're sweet", "We're friends", "I like you", "I love you", "Goodbye"
5. Neck kiss (not to be confused with necking)
a) 2 second rule. Why the shortened time? Because a kiss on the neck is more inmate than almost any other kiss on this list. Stretch it much longer and one risks sending the wrong message.
b) Very. Intense. It's not the kind of kiss you should share until you've been dating exclusively for at least five or six months.
c) Definitely in private. Or...you know... "public". But if you're going to be conspicuous about it, by all means, spare the public as well. And if you receive this kiss (or any of the subsequent kisses on the list) in the back seat of his car, consider immediately seeking out alternate transportation. (IOW: Exit. NOW.)
d) It depends, is he in front of you, behind you, or next to you? If he's in front of you the message is definitely "I want you", which isn't altogether bad if the setting is innocent. If he's behind or beside you, you can assume it's at least partially a location of convenience, in which case the messages could include "I want you", as well as "I love you", "I really, really like you", "You're special to me", and "I'm glad you're mine"
6. Common kiss (the traditional lip-to-lip...and here's where it gets deep...)
A) The brush
a) By definition this kiss lasts less than a second.
b) Unless it's your first kiss this is pretty low-tense for the lip-to-lip variety snog.
c) This is one of those kisses that is fine in both "public" and private, but should probably not be done in front of friends (unless you're like, engaged or something--in which case, why are you reading this??)
d) "I like you", "I love you", "Goodbye"
B) The peck
a) Again, by definition, this kiss lasts less than a second.
b) Unless this is your first kiss, this is a pretty low-grade kind of kiss. Sweet, but not too intense.
c) This kiss is appropriate in public or private, but should be avoided in front of friends.
d) Most commonly: "Goodbye", but also used generally for "I love you"
C) The half-french (no tongue)
a) 2 second rule--otherwise the chance of this becoming a real French kiss is verrrrry high.
b) Very intense. The most intense of the non-French kisses.
c) Private. Always. Because of its intensity this is one of those kisses the public should be graciously spared.
d) "I want you!!!" ..."Oh yeah, and I kinda love ya too..."
D) The smacker
a) 2 second rule helps exclude most of the grossness factor.
b) Intense. Sort of a "smack in the middle" kind of kiss as far as intensity goes.
c) Quick enough to pass in public, but generally should be kept in private.
d) "I love you", "Goodbye"
7. French kiss ('nuff said)
a) "How much time do we have?"
b) On a scale of 1-10 it is my personal opinion that this ranks at about a conservative 33.5.
c) Keep it behind closed doors, please! We don't care what you do, or where you do it as long as it's not in front of us!
d) "I l--... I llllo-- aw shucks, who am I kidding? I want you, dang it!"
8. Breather (breathing or talking against one's cheek or lips)*
a) Time depends on the message... discretion is the key here.
b) Medium intensity. He could be trying to be romantic, it could be impulse, or he could be trying to tell you your jeans split.
c) Again, how discreet can you be? Just have some class and keep an eye on who's around.
d) Depends on what he says:) But the unspoken messages can consist of "I love you", "I adore you", "I'm trying to be quiet..."
9. Eskimo kiss (rubbing noses)*
a) Who knows, I think that except for the butterfly kiss this is one of the most awkward kisses there is (to watch). How long you do it depends on how soon it takes for someone to sneeze, but after about ten seconds you're really starting to enter uncharted territory...
b) Intensity: High.
c) Who cares, just don't do it in front of me. Eskimo "kissing" in a high traffic area is definitely not a favor to the public.
d) "I love you", "My face is cold", "I'm getting in touch with my inner Inuit"
10. Butterfly kiss (fluttering eyelashes on one's cheek)*
a) I don't know, where's your contact now?
b) Unless you're eight and your dad is tucking you into bed there is no reason for this to happen. In the context of a relationship, I frankly think this bypasses the intensity meter altogether and crosses straight over to weird.
c) I don't know, why are you even batting your eyes in the first place?
d) "I'm flirting", "I'm a really bad winker", "I'm in seizure and my eye won't stop twitching!"
So, now that I've completed my professional analysis... what do you think? Do you have any opinions about these types of kisses? Feel free to comment, agree, disagree, or add anything you think I've missed. Have fun :)
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Boundaries
Note: This blog was originally published on my issues blog, but I moved it here because I thought it made more sense to put it here. It was actually written in early January, but I moved it to this blank post draft in November. Enjoy.
Unlike most people, when I told my pastor/parents/friends that I was dating none of them did me the courtesy of whipping out an instruction manual as a heart warming gift. So I had to figure out lots of little things on my own like: when to hold hands, how affectionate to be in public, how affectionate to be in private, what to say to his mother, etc.
I think boundaries are one of those things that are really difficult to know how to handle when you're just starting out. I mean, there are some basic things that you hopefully come out the gate just knowing. If you grew up in the Christian ghetto most of my readers are "privileged" to inhabit (interpret quotes as you will) then you were told not to have sex till you got married. But beyond the extreme this instruction does little to inform teenagers what they should do.
The teen Pathfinder retreat, of course, makes it very clear. In fact, they explicitly ban any and all "extramarital heterosexual interdigitalis" (which sounds more like a disease/orgy instead of a tender display of affection), but this is hardly a guide of conduct for an entire relationship. But I haven't despaired yet. I have heard many guides for how Christian boyfriends and girlfriends should treat each other. They are as follows:
As you can probably see, reading Christian magazines, books, and listening to pastors and speakers has only further confused the issue for me. So in my own dating relationship, my boyfriend and I have adapted pieces of these ideas to create boundaries we're comfortable with. We talk about everything, and I think we're doing just fine, but I still wonder about these ideas, and the levels of truth that may or may not be in them.
What do you think? Are these ideas right? Wrong? Totally absurd? Blatantly offensive? Are any of these concepts that should be more readily adopted by youth today? Or are they unrealistic for the times we live in? Comment liberally and let me know :).
Unlike most people, when I told my pastor/parents/friends that I was dating none of them did me the courtesy of whipping out an instruction manual as a heart warming gift. So I had to figure out lots of little things on my own like: when to hold hands, how affectionate to be in public, how affectionate to be in private, what to say to his mother, etc.
I think boundaries are one of those things that are really difficult to know how to handle when you're just starting out. I mean, there are some basic things that you hopefully come out the gate just knowing. If you grew up in the Christian ghetto most of my readers are "privileged" to inhabit (interpret quotes as you will) then you were told not to have sex till you got married. But beyond the extreme this instruction does little to inform teenagers what they should do.
The teen Pathfinder retreat, of course, makes it very clear. In fact, they explicitly ban any and all "extramarital heterosexual interdigitalis" (which sounds more like a disease/orgy instead of a tender display of affection), but this is hardly a guide of conduct for an entire relationship. But I haven't despaired yet. I have heard many guides for how Christian boyfriends and girlfriends should treat each other. They are as follows:
- From a Week of Prayer speaker: Treat them as you would your brother/sister. After all, this person is first and foremost your brother or sister in Christ. Since you have no long term commitment with them before God or man (i.e. marriage--the message being sent here that dating relationships, especially in high school, ultimately mean little), they cannot be anything to you (physically) other than a brother.
- From a Christian Relationship Manual: Act only as you would feel comfortable acting if their spouse (or future spouse) was in the room. Whatever the two of you do, you will eventually have to face the consequences and memories of. You will either face these consequences with each other, or you will have to face the memories in your separate marriages. Thus, by acting only as you would if your future spouses were in the room, you are showing respect for yourselves, and for the person who will have to face your actions later (e.g. your boyfriend's wife).
- From a Christian Dating Manual: Do only what you want the girl/boy who is currently dating your future spouse to do (i.e. do it (the "it being undefined) only if you're okay with your future spouse doing it to/with someone else tonight). This is only slightly different from the second suggestion, but it's a little more personal (and potentially much more graphic). This idea mentally puts in perspective everything you do. It means that any and every time you kiss, hug, snuggle, cuddle, dance with, make-out with, or sleep with your boyfriend you have to imagine that somewhere, the guy you're going to marry, the guy you plan on loving for the rest of your life, is doing the same thing with the small redhead he's dating now. Jealous? That's the idea.
- Random (I don't know where I heard this): Picture your/your S.O.'s parents constantly in the room whenever you are with them (your significant other). Whatever you do, wherever you do it, there are constantly two (or maybe even four) pairs of parental eyes watching you in rapt attention. How do you feel now?
- Random: Picture Jesus in the room whenever you are with your significant other. After all he already is. How does he feel about what you're doing? Does it make him happy? Sad? Embarrassed?
- A warning received from some unknown magazine: Every concession you make in the area of physical affection steadily loses the respect of the boy you're dating (i.e. you let him hold your hand/kiss you/etc. and his respect level for you instantly drops according to the intensity of the action, and how soon you let it happen). This creates a delicate balance for the girl to maintain, because while she cannot completely withhold her affection, she also needs to make sure that he's working hard for every concession she does make. The result is something of a game, during which the girl strings the guy along as long as possible, giving in just enough to keep him hooked, but holding back enough to keep him wanting more. Her ultimate goal is to eventually sucker him into marriage (when there is nothing left to give him within the boundaries of their current relationship), and his goal is to get as much as he can out of her, thus thwarting her goal.
- The idea behind this last theory is that the behavior of both the girl and the boy may not be intentional, but is a natural outgrowth of their natures. He wants sex (or whatever he can get), and she wants security (marriage).
As you can probably see, reading Christian magazines, books, and listening to pastors and speakers has only further confused the issue for me. So in my own dating relationship, my boyfriend and I have adapted pieces of these ideas to create boundaries we're comfortable with. We talk about everything, and I think we're doing just fine, but I still wonder about these ideas, and the levels of truth that may or may not be in them.
What do you think? Are these ideas right? Wrong? Totally absurd? Blatantly offensive? Are any of these concepts that should be more readily adopted by youth today? Or are they unrealistic for the times we live in? Comment liberally and let me know :).
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Image
It's a funny thing, image. It can take years to establish, and a lifetime to maintain. And every day we run the risk of slipping up. Oh yes, sometimes we can go for long stretches of time where everyone thinks exactly what we want them to think of us. But sometimes the mask just cracks. Maybe it was the evening out we spent trying to look mature in front of older friends. Instead we came off looking like we were trying too hard (in hindsight, maybe the clothes were a little over-the-top . . .). Or maybe we were griping with our friends about stupid quizzes while our favorite teacher was standing right behind us. Perhaps the boyfriend we wanted to think we were sophisticated saw us in the beginning stages of late-night loopiness (it looks really flirtatious in a not-so-cute kind of way when you're just starting to 'lose it' at that magical hour . . .). Or our mom let it slip to a friend how old we really were when we last slept with "Snuggles".
These moments don't hurt exactly. They don't sting, or stab, or twist our stomachs. They just sort of make us cringe. It's the kind of cringe that makes you wish you could come with a magical eraser and make that distasteful moment in time disappear from the universe. In an instant, an image we have worked hard to cultivate can be shattered, or at least damaged. It seems like such a tragedy in the moment, though when given time to think about it we usually realize just how petty the whole incident was.
The problem with images is that usually they only incorporate the nobler parts of who we are. But no one is perfect, and it's impossible to keep our foibles under wraps all the time. So when we mess up, we always end up showing characteristics that make us appear a little worse than we did a moment ago. The standard lesson learned from this is that we need to be more careful, more polished, wear a thicker mask, and thus further guard ourselves from the potential criticisms of our humanity.
The result can often be effective, but it comes at a high price: Authenticity. While the pay off is that one has given the world a steady target, a polished mask for them to love or hate without wounding the person behind it; this also means that when this same one attempts to have an intimate relationship with another (perhaps mask wearing) person, the pealing gazes, the beams of interest and emotion shining from both pairs of eyes will only get as far as the subject will allow. When one wears a mask, they run the risk of disenfranchising the very people they wish to understand them the most. Instead their understanding hits against the mask erected, bouncing off its surface and refracting away as if it were mirror.
So we have a basic dilemma. Do we be authentic and run the risk of having that authenticity genuinely hated? Or do we be inauthentic and run the risk of disenfranchising those we need to love us? Usually, it's one or the other. It's either a habit of hiding, or a policy of integrity. Yes, I have just revealed my bias. Because masking is hiding. And it's a hiding that hurts.
Think of it this way, if you were to place a physical piece of plastic over your face your skin would start to feel warm, within a few minutes it would become wet and sweaty. Deprived of oxygen your body would start to freak out, and if you remained under these circumstances long enough your skin would literally begin to die and rot under the mask... I think this happens when we put masks over our souls as well. Eventually, if we never allow them to come up for air, they die, or at the very least become very unrecognizable. Later, if we ever do decide we want to remove our mask and experience true intimacy with another human being, it is a very confusing, difficult, and sometimes painful process.
I think it's worth it to be authentic. That doesn't mean we have to thoughtlessly bear our soul to the capricious world, but it does mean we allow our opinions, personality, and character to be what they are regardless of circumstance, or who's watching. They create an image that can never be destroyed. It's a question of health really. It's not good to hide forever. Eventually, we all have to come up for air.
These moments don't hurt exactly. They don't sting, or stab, or twist our stomachs. They just sort of make us cringe. It's the kind of cringe that makes you wish you could come with a magical eraser and make that distasteful moment in time disappear from the universe. In an instant, an image we have worked hard to cultivate can be shattered, or at least damaged. It seems like such a tragedy in the moment, though when given time to think about it we usually realize just how petty the whole incident was.
The problem with images is that usually they only incorporate the nobler parts of who we are. But no one is perfect, and it's impossible to keep our foibles under wraps all the time. So when we mess up, we always end up showing characteristics that make us appear a little worse than we did a moment ago. The standard lesson learned from this is that we need to be more careful, more polished, wear a thicker mask, and thus further guard ourselves from the potential criticisms of our humanity.
The result can often be effective, but it comes at a high price: Authenticity. While the pay off is that one has given the world a steady target, a polished mask for them to love or hate without wounding the person behind it; this also means that when this same one attempts to have an intimate relationship with another (perhaps mask wearing) person, the pealing gazes, the beams of interest and emotion shining from both pairs of eyes will only get as far as the subject will allow. When one wears a mask, they run the risk of disenfranchising the very people they wish to understand them the most. Instead their understanding hits against the mask erected, bouncing off its surface and refracting away as if it were mirror.
So we have a basic dilemma. Do we be authentic and run the risk of having that authenticity genuinely hated? Or do we be inauthentic and run the risk of disenfranchising those we need to love us? Usually, it's one or the other. It's either a habit of hiding, or a policy of integrity. Yes, I have just revealed my bias. Because masking is hiding. And it's a hiding that hurts.
Think of it this way, if you were to place a physical piece of plastic over your face your skin would start to feel warm, within a few minutes it would become wet and sweaty. Deprived of oxygen your body would start to freak out, and if you remained under these circumstances long enough your skin would literally begin to die and rot under the mask... I think this happens when we put masks over our souls as well. Eventually, if we never allow them to come up for air, they die, or at the very least become very unrecognizable. Later, if we ever do decide we want to remove our mask and experience true intimacy with another human being, it is a very confusing, difficult, and sometimes painful process.
I think it's worth it to be authentic. That doesn't mean we have to thoughtlessly bear our soul to the capricious world, but it does mean we allow our opinions, personality, and character to be what they are regardless of circumstance, or who's watching. They create an image that can never be destroyed. It's a question of health really. It's not good to hide forever. Eventually, we all have to come up for air.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Love
The following is an edited response to a friend's MySpace Blog:
I don't know what love is either, but I have my theories. I think love is a verb. It's an action. When you do what is best for someone else you are loving them, even if you aren't "in love" with them. And the feelings--all the gooey, warm, fluttery feelings that one get's with their special someone--complete the picture. Add to that total acceptance of a person and their foibles and that's when "loving" meets being "in love". It all goes together. But if you have the first part (doing what's best for someone else) than the feelings can come and go without too much damage. Because feelings do that. One week you're totally head over heals, the next you don't even know if you can trust them, and you're questioning if you should even be together.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about what relationships are about and what love is. It's such a sticky topic. It's difficult, scary, and full of potential landmines. Part of the problem is that people throw the word 'love' around like it's a football. I can love food, basketball, my parents, pizza, books, politics, wing backed chairs, and you all at the same time. It's crazy. And I never really felt like I had to invest a lot of time into the idea until I started dating.
Now I'm going to say right now that no declarations of undying love or affection for my significant other will happen here. It's neither the appropriate place or audience and not to mention... uh, personal? But I have been trying to dissect the issue and I have a few questions:
I don't know what love is either, but I have my theories. I think love is a verb. It's an action. When you do what is best for someone else you are loving them, even if you aren't "in love" with them. And the feelings--all the gooey, warm, fluttery feelings that one get's with their special someone--complete the picture. Add to that total acceptance of a person and their foibles and that's when "loving" meets being "in love". It all goes together. But if you have the first part (doing what's best for someone else) than the feelings can come and go without too much damage. Because feelings do that. One week you're totally head over heals, the next you don't even know if you can trust them, and you're questioning if you should even be together.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about what relationships are about and what love is. It's such a sticky topic. It's difficult, scary, and full of potential landmines. Part of the problem is that people throw the word 'love' around like it's a football. I can love food, basketball, my parents, pizza, books, politics, wing backed chairs, and you all at the same time. It's crazy. And I never really felt like I had to invest a lot of time into the idea until I started dating.
Now I'm going to say right now that no declarations of undying love or affection for my significant other will happen here. It's neither the appropriate place or audience and not to mention... uh, personal? But I have been trying to dissect the issue and I have a few questions:
- Is it possible for to be "in love" at any age?
- Is it possible to truly love at any age?
- What should you do if you've already fallen in love?
- Is there a difference between 'loving' and being 'in love' and if so, what?
- What does love mean? What is the end result?
- Does love (between a guy and girl) always mean they should (ideally--baring other factors such as money, proximity, etc.) get married?
- Why do two people seem to love each other one year, and not the next?
- If two people stop loving each other, were they ever in love to begin with?
- What do you do when you love someone who doesn't love you back?
- What if you think someone loves you and you don't feel the same way?
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Open Mouth, Insert Foot: A Story
It was the last day before the end of summer vacation. Jayme and her friends, Beetle, Daren, Phe, and Nolan were hanging out in the park. They were sitting at a picnic bench, contemplating science and the many chinks in the armor of capitalism when out of nowhere, someone spotted a Venus lookalike! Venus was Beetle's ex-girlfriend, and even though it had been some time, things were still pretty tense between them.
"She's still mad at me." Beetle said.
"Are you still mad at her?" Jayme asked.
"I'm not mad." Beetle replied.
"But have you forgiven her?" asked Jayme.
"How can I forgive her if she won't talk to me?" Beetle shrugged, running his fingers over the top of his buzz cut.
"You can forgive her in your heart." that was Daren.
And while the conversation was basically positive, the subject was one surrounded by emotional scar tissue. Soon the conversation dropped off, and an awkward silence prevailed only to be broken when an adorable little brown turtle crawled across the picnic table. Beetle loved turtles.
Later that night the group left the park for a Subway run. Looking for a place to eat they all piled into their respective vehicles and headed off to Daren's house. Daren had recently completed a youth tour of the Amazon rain forest and called all his friends to his desktop to look at his slideshow of pictures.
Daren was called away by his family (likely to solve a plumbing emergency), but Beetle happily took the mouse and lead the slideshow without him. While the group laughed over pictures and made jokes about the usual things, snake repellent, and the products of nuclear thought, Jayme gazed at the pictures. Everyone looked to be having so much fun when suddenly . . .
"Hey!" Jayme exclaimed, "From the back that girl looks exactly like Venus!"
Silence.
Shoot.
"She's still mad at me." Beetle said.
"Are you still mad at her?" Jayme asked.
"I'm not mad." Beetle replied.
"But have you forgiven her?" asked Jayme.
"How can I forgive her if she won't talk to me?" Beetle shrugged, running his fingers over the top of his buzz cut.
"You can forgive her in your heart." that was Daren.
And while the conversation was basically positive, the subject was one surrounded by emotional scar tissue. Soon the conversation dropped off, and an awkward silence prevailed only to be broken when an adorable little brown turtle crawled across the picnic table. Beetle loved turtles.
Later that night the group left the park for a Subway run. Looking for a place to eat they all piled into their respective vehicles and headed off to Daren's house. Daren had recently completed a youth tour of the Amazon rain forest and called all his friends to his desktop to look at his slideshow of pictures.
Daren was called away by his family (likely to solve a plumbing emergency), but Beetle happily took the mouse and lead the slideshow without him. While the group laughed over pictures and made jokes about the usual things, snake repellent, and the products of nuclear thought, Jayme gazed at the pictures. Everyone looked to be having so much fun when suddenly . . .
"Hey!" Jayme exclaimed, "From the back that girl looks exactly like Venus!"
Silence.
Shoot.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Anniversaries
Disclaimer: Contrary to popular belief, or the beliefs of any particular reader, the majority of the fashion advice in the previous three blogs was not aimed at any one particular person. I divide my criticisms more evenly than that. :)
So . . . yesterday my significant other and I passed the great milestone of one month. Ooooo... Wondrous isn't it? Not really. But hopefully sometime in the future we'll have a milestone worth celebrating. I was thinking about the concept of anniversaries and honestly it puzzles me. Firstly, in the context of teenage dating relationships it seems rather trivial to to celebrate each month. I mean, magazines come every month, so do full moons, cell phone bills, and announcements that water has been found on Mars. Not much to throw a party over :-| . . .
But an anniversary should be something special right? So why celebrate it with such frequency that it loses it's significance and you are lulled into the belief that you and your "other" are a lot more steadfast than you actually are ("We've been together for three whole months!! *insert sappy smile*" Puh-lease. So were *insert name of celebrity couple here*). I also don't think anniversaries count if you had to date on and off to get there. I find it rather ridiculous when I here about couples who gush about how they've been together for six months, when every other weekend of those months they were broken up. Try dating consistently for a while and then you can start counting (or maybe you should be asking yourself why you're braking up so frequently in the first place).
I do believe, however, that the first month could be a very legitimately special event for some couples. It's like you've upped the denominations. Instead of talking about days or weeks you can talk months. And what girl doesn't like keeping track of how long she's been attached to her latest beau? In my personal opinion (not that I have any great experience or basis for this at all), I think six month anniversaries are real and appropriate milestones, and worth the energy of celebration for any unmarried couple (Like on that sitcom, "Yep! We're headed up to the big ol' five point five (5.5)!").
But if you don't think your relationship can last six months (or even three or four), why are you even bothering to count? In fact, why are you dating? Either date casually and get to know different people, or get serious and stick with one person through thick and thin until you've reached the duration of the relationship. But ladies, don't you think the whole two week (or two month) boyfriend is something you should've left behind by now (try ninth grade...at latest)? Later saying "We made it for a whole two and a half months!" is going to sound really silly, and not much like anything worth bragging about.
In closing: *a-hem* . . . I'd be lying if I said I wasn't even a little bit giddy about the fact that my boyfriend and I have been together a whole month. Insignificant as it may be. It always feels like a much bigger deal when it's you :).
So . . . yesterday my significant other and I passed the great milestone of one month. Ooooo... Wondrous isn't it? Not really. But hopefully sometime in the future we'll have a milestone worth celebrating. I was thinking about the concept of anniversaries and honestly it puzzles me. Firstly, in the context of teenage dating relationships it seems rather trivial to to celebrate each month. I mean, magazines come every month, so do full moons, cell phone bills, and announcements that water has been found on Mars. Not much to throw a party over :-| . . .
But an anniversary should be something special right? So why celebrate it with such frequency that it loses it's significance and you are lulled into the belief that you and your "other" are a lot more steadfast than you actually are ("We've been together for three whole months!! *insert sappy smile*" Puh-lease. So were *insert name of celebrity couple here*). I also don't think anniversaries count if you had to date on and off to get there. I find it rather ridiculous when I here about couples who gush about how they've been together for six months, when every other weekend of those months they were broken up. Try dating consistently for a while and then you can start counting (or maybe you should be asking yourself why you're braking up so frequently in the first place).
I do believe, however, that the first month could be a very legitimately special event for some couples. It's like you've upped the denominations. Instead of talking about days or weeks you can talk months. And what girl doesn't like keeping track of how long she's been attached to her latest beau? In my personal opinion (not that I have any great experience or basis for this at all), I think six month anniversaries are real and appropriate milestones, and worth the energy of celebration for any unmarried couple (Like on that sitcom, "Yep! We're headed up to the big ol' five point five (5.5)!").
But if you don't think your relationship can last six months (or even three or four), why are you even bothering to count? In fact, why are you dating? Either date casually and get to know different people, or get serious and stick with one person through thick and thin until you've reached the duration of the relationship. But ladies, don't you think the whole two week (or two month) boyfriend is something you should've left behind by now (try ninth grade...at latest)? Later saying "We made it for a whole two and a half months!" is going to sound really silly, and not much like anything worth bragging about.
In closing: *a-hem* . . . I'd be lying if I said I wasn't even a little bit giddy about the fact that my boyfriend and I have been together a whole month. Insignificant as it may be. It always feels like a much bigger deal when it's you :).
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